Judge — February 6, 1915 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HERE comes a time to every gent when he is busted flat; he cannot raise a blooming cent, nor yet the half of that. “*Ods fish,’’ he mutters, ‘‘what's the odds? My friends I'll go and see, and gladly they'll produce their wads and share the same with me. When they were broke, I sprung my roll and staked them with a smile, and now that I am in the hole, they'll guide me to their pile."” And then he goes to Jasper Jones and says, ‘'I'm out of tin; I wish you'd lend me seven bones until my ship comes in.” He thinks that Jones with eager haste will panting be and hot to bring the money from his waist and say, *‘ Just take the lot!’’ But Jones remarks, ‘‘Ahem! Kerchoo! And likewise haw and hum! I fear I cannot rescue you—my luck is on the bum. There is a mortgage on my shack, to be foreclosed to-day; my workhorse fell and broke his back; my hens refuse to lay. The children in my poor abode are clamoring for pie; I have to bear a heavy load —my cows have all gone dry. I'd gladly stake you with a V if I had lots of chink, but things are going bad with me, and I am on the blink. “*Why don’t you save,"’ continues Jones, ‘‘the money that you earn? Each month you draw a bunch of bones, and then that bunch you burn. If you would put it in the bank, 'twould bring you three per cent.; just try that scheme, and you will thank me for my good intent. Along the downward path you tear, and soon you'll reach the dump; and when at last you've landed there, you'll know you've been a chump. Brace up! He is a fool who spends; salt down the coin in kegs, and then you will not seek your friends to try and pull their legs. And then he seeks old ‘Beeswax Brown, whom he had helped one day, and says to him, ‘‘I’m out and down, so stake me while you may."* “T'd gladly do it if I could,’ says Beeswax, ‘‘but, oh, chee! I just have bought six cords of wood, and it has busted me! But now that you are standing here, let's cut some moral ice; I fain would whisper in your ear some words of good advice. You make, I'm told, eight plunks a week—that stipend is a scream—and then unholy joys you seek and blow it for ice cream. If you would put five cents a day in some good savings bank, when you are old and bent and gray, old Beeswax you would thank !"" And so it goes until, a wreck, you seek the great beyond; you tie a rock around your neck and jump into a pond. Useless Brains WELL-KNOWN M ppi minister was fond of playing pranks. One day, while riding with an illiterate negro, the minister began gravely to chatter Italian to his brunette driver, The negro looked wildly at the minister and said nothing, Finally the white man, in pretended pique, said, What's the matter? Why don’t you answer?”* **I dono what yo’-all talkin’ "bout."’ “*What's wrong? Haven't you any brains?"* “Yassah, I got some brains, all right; but dey ain’ no use to me now."" —Ntrickland Gillilan, How It Was Oh, Jonah met a monster whale upon a certain day. It swallowed Jonah, as you know, but Jonah got away. What made the whale give Jonah up and risk his getting drowned? He couldn't keep the good man down was what he quickly found. Her Real Grievance Lawyer (to fair client)—Don’t you think this cash offer of twenty thousand dollars from the defendant is a fair compromise for your wounded heart? Isn't prying that old tightwad from his twenty thousand shiny ducats punishment enough for his breach of promise? Client—No, indeed! 1 want him to marry me! Under Suspicion Several members of a women's club were chatting with a little daughter of their hostess. “*T suppose you are a great help to your mamma," said one. “Oh, yes,’ replied the little miss, ‘‘and so is Ethel; but it is my turn to count the spoons to-day after the company is gone."" ** It's rather cold to-day, Mrs. Muggs."’ “* Well, if ye’d bundle up more it wouldn't be."