Judge — January 23, 1915 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Dee CANDOR ‘* What ought to be the range of a soprano voice like mine?'’ * Well, judging from your singing I should preter it at a long range.” Cause and Effect HERE would be more honest people in the world if it wasn't for the fool and his money. Many a woman has lost a good friend by marrying him. Froth gets to the top, in which it resembles some men. The very existence of some people would seem to disprove the theory thatt here is no effect without a cause. The girl with pretty feet never gets the bottom of her skirts muddy. If getting married doesn't take the conceit out of a man, nothing will. A girl may not love her enemies, but she invites them all to her wedding. Nine-tenths of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves. —Sam 8. The Bright Side Acertain man, journeying in the Jericho, Ind., neighbor- hood, fell among thieves, who assailed him with grievous crabtree cudgels, beat him full sore, and finally left him ina mangled heap by the roadside. An innocent bystander pres- ently discovered him and proceeded to bystand and utter appropriate questions with the liberality of a machine n. is not as bad as it might be!"’ feebly but phil- osophically replied the sufferer. ‘*You see, when I was but two years old, I sat down in a hot skillet and fried myself quite a good deal; at the age of six I coasted downhit and arrived headforemost against a deacon’s monument and fractured my nose; at nine years of age I was pitched up into the barn loft by mistake for a forkful of hay and some- what seriously implicated on the tines of the pitchfork; when twenty-two years of age I was hugged by a red- headed widow and had three ribs broken; and soon after my marriage to the same lady I was so severely scalded with hot soup that enough of my epidermis peeled off to have made a vest for a small boy. **Some time later, during an argument over a Scriptural text, the wife of my bosom chased me upstairs into the attic, and after clambering out onto the roof I slid off and broke a leg or two on the ground below. A year or so afterward, when I poked a penny into a weighing machine to see how much my tribulations had reduced me, the front of the de- vice fell out on me and dented my skull most painfully. “Thus, in a way, I have grown used to unpleasant epi- sodes of various sorts and do not mind them as much as I Stinson, otherwise might; and, as I hinted in the first place, my condition could be worse, for I have a twin brother who is the able editor of a village weekly, half of the readers whereof are yelling for more war news and the other half snarling for less, and all of whom in. sist upon having, when occasion arises, obituary poems, lodge reso. lutions, cards of thanks and mentions of the unimportant comings and goings of themselves and their relatives published in conspicu. ous positions and without price. I might be the other twin instead of theone Iam. So, you see, I still have much to be thankful for,” Reason for Reticence “My Uncle Sankey Wattles, who confesses to being a trifle hard of hearing," stated J. Fuller Gloom, the well-known misan. thrope, ‘‘complains bitterly that I never tell him anything inter. esting. The reason for my reticence is that I am already so cor. dially detested by my fellow-citizens for my plain speaking that if I told Uncle Sank the intimate news and gossip of the neighbor. hood, which, as he is really as deaf as a stone dog, would have to be conv d to him in resonant shouts, and as a perfectly natural consequence of his affliction he wants to hear everything that is none of his business, the chances are that I should be sued for slander by most of my neighbors or lynched by a mob composed of our best people, or both."" There will be lots of people in heaven just as much surprised to see you there as you will be to see them. A FRENCH WAITER IN A GERMAN HOTEL comicbooks.com