Judge, 1915-01-16 · page 8 of 24
Judge — January 16, 1915 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two distinct pieces of satirical content: **"Picking and Choosing" (top):** A cautionary tale about Susan Sarah Salt, a rigid moralist who rejects suitors for smoking, drinking, and gambling—demanding absolute virtue. The joke: she eventually marries "Clarence," a man with every fault imaginable. The satire mocks unrealistic perfectionism and suggests that strict moral standards, when rigidly applied, lead to lonely spinsterhood until desperation wins out. **"The Age of Wisdom" (right):** Reginald Wright Kipling's poem argues that teenage boys possess clearer moral certainty than educated adults. The satire critiques how life experience and learning create moral complexity and ambiguity—suggesting innocent youth understand right and wrong more simply than worldly adults who've "learned to think twice." Both pieces mock excessive moralism and the gap between youthful idealism and adult compromise, reflecting early 20th-century skepticism about Victorian virtue standards.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Dele Ciel ky WALT MASON ER NAME was Susan Sarah Salt, and oftentimes she said, ‘I'll find a man without a fault—till then I will not wed. Pro- posals all will be denied which don’t from virtue flow; the man who'd have me for a bride must be as pure as snow."’ There came a suitor rich, who spoke of love and asked her hand; she scorned him, for she'd seen him smoke cigars to beat the band. ‘‘I cannot for a lifetime lean on any man,’ she cried, “*who’s soaked so full of nicotine it oozes through his hide.”’ A year went by; another man came up, with lovelit eye. ‘‘I hear,’’ she said, ‘‘you rush the can whenever you are dry. The lips that for the growler thirst can never touch my face. Gohence! Your name is Wienerwurst—your words are a disgrace !"” The months rolled on, as months have rolled and always will revolve; and she, though growing somewhat old, was firm in her resolve. Then Clarence came, with pledge and vow all loaded to the guards. war. When too much smoking makes him dry, he seeks the near. est joint and with four fingers of old rye his vitals doth anoint, He owns to every human fault, to each besetting sin; but Susan, who was lately Salt, regards him with a grin. The Age of Wisdom *"M NEARER forty now than not (do tell me ‘tisn’t so!) 4nd men have filled great libraries with things I'll never know, I've lived and loved and read and worked in many a distant clime: I've taken scientific tours in prehistoric time. I've made the circuit of the earth and many lands I've seen; And yet—why, I was thrice as wise when I was seventeen! At seventeen one has the sure, straight wisdom of a lad; There are two sorts of folk alive—the good sort and the bad. Your creed, your father’s party—they rise serene, alone; The country, State or town that’ certainly your own. There are no ethical debates so serious and long; There's only one way that is right and one way that is wrong. At seventeen you are not torn by interests di You split no ha ind have no cares ‘twixt better things and worse, The school eleven’s sure to win, unless the game's unfair; You've got to get to college and make the best frat there. And then some day you'll join your dad and make the business whirl; And underneath the sun for you there’s just the only girl. Well, we that see so close at hand the Hill of Middle Age, Don't think we do not envy you your attitude so sage. For me, as I have said above, I've weathered many a clime And read and lived and loved and worked a little in my time; I've paid, as most of you will pay, a rather heavy price, And all I've gained is this, I think—the art of thinking twice. Apart from that there's little worth that I have learned or seen; A boy is wise in many things when he is seventeen! —Reginald Wright Kaugfman, She said, ‘I cannot be your frau, for you are fond of cards! You waste your wealth; with other gents you blow it left and right! They say you've squandered sixty cents at poker in onenight! I'll be a spinster till I croak, jeered at by mar- ried dames, before I'll train with sports who smoke or play at sinful game And time slid past, as time will slide, and gray was in her hair; few asked her now to be a bride, and vows were grow- ing rare. Yet Reggie came, and at her feet he knelt and talked of biz; he said his life would be too sweet, if she would but be his. She proudly shook her tawny curls, and Reggie heard her say, ‘‘I’'ve seen you chase the chorus girls along the Great White Way. I'd rather be my maiden aunt and leave all hope behind, than wed a man who'd gallivant with chickens of that kind!"* The years rushed on, and Susan's life was lonely, cold and gray; one last lone chance to be a wife came finally her way. She asked no questions, but she sighed, ‘‘Let’s haste and close the deal; the sooner I am made a bride, the better I will feel."" Her husband smokes an old clay pipe; you smell it from afar. They say it was unduly ripe some years before the AT FIRST, NOBODY. AT LAST, ANYBODY