Judge, 1914-12-19 · page 9 of 24
Judge — December 19, 1914 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This humorous piece by Douglas Malloch satirizes the anxiety surrounding gift-giving across social classes and relationships. Each monologue—from wives to spinsters to bachelors—reveals the overthinking and second-guessing that accompanies selecting presents. The satire targets how people project meaning onto gifts: the husband fears a book's "lines" will be misinterpreted; the cautious man worries a ring implies unintended commitment; the spinster justifies her gift through Christian duty rather than honest affection; the bachelor obsesses over appearing foolish. The illustrations show domestic and social scenes of the era. A companion joke, "Separation," mocks marriage dissolution, with a woman planning divorce after securing a wealthy husband's money—satirizing both marital instability and mercenary motivations. The overall message: gift-giving exposes our anxieties about relationships, class, and how others perceive us.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
> What Shall I Give SHer? Him? By DOUGLAS MALLOCH THE WIFE: THE LADY: I MUST get him a present— I want to give him something To think just what I've tried. That he will like a lot; There are so many things we need, But he is such a dumb thing, It’s awful to decide. It’s hard deciding what. \ ee For if I give some trinket, THE HUSBAND? He'll think I do not care; | I've got to give her something, I suppose. If something nice, he'll think it What does a woman want? I guess it’s Intended for a snare. clothes— Although she has enough now, goodness THE LOVER: knows! I wonder what she likes the best? rgeigotito: pive her sotiething.. ‘Tons A bonbon box or flowers? eee e With what the most she'll be im- If | can’t think (ten dollars I'll allow) pressed? . > Of something she would ask for, anyhow. Or what will seem like ours? But I suppose, whate’er I do, THE CAUTIOUS MAN: I'll foozle everything. If I give her a ring, she may tie to the Jerusalem! I wish I knew | thing What that other guy’ll bring! A significance never intended; If I give her a book, ’tween the lines she THE GIRL: THE GOVERNOR'S POCKET EDITION may look I'd like to give the dear a—well, Some books are always acceptable gifts. For a sentiment unapprehended. Some present he would treasure. Now I like her quite well, and you never _It’s hard for just a girl to tell wamvonieR Gu¥? can tell What most would give him pleas- Ta bace en Baa What may come of acquaintance so ure. 0 "he bs tha lig ; Ja 8 lump pleasant; I know what father’s hinting meant, Th mers : hi ake janet . But I mustn't mislead —I must think well, I know what pleases brother— Penis earnest a indeed, But he’s a man so different I sae i at a facta Of the future as well as the present. From any other! guess 1°ll call, and that is all, , And leave a dollar rose. I'll drop in late and learn the date— They've fixed it, I suppose. THE SMALL BOY: I haven’t thought of presents yet, But, gee! I wonder what they’re goin’ to get For me? | THE SPINSTER: = He’s such a man, so nice a man, —— I'd like to send a gift to him. ST= Although he squeezed my fingers so, 4% / A Christmas gift would let him know I’m not the least bit miffed at him. And, anyhow, the Scripture says There is a Christian beauty In being kind to others—so I'll send a gift, because I know It is my Christian duty. THE BACHELOR: I guess she'd think I was a fool (An old fool is the worst one) To act the boy just out of school (I wouldn’t be the first one). I guess I’ll send her something, though— That little brooch of gold I saw to-day. Am I so gray? And do I look so old? The Old School “‘He’s an advertising writer of the ha fool as that ? old school.” s just it, She says a fool and his money are soon parted, and that then she can get a divorce. “You mean a liar?’’ SEPARATION Josie—What do you think! Gladys has decided to marry that rich Jobnny after all. Minnie- Josie—Th: comicbooks.com