Judge — December 5, 1914 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Few Christmas Definitions MISTLETOE—A parasitica plant | | suspended from the ceiling at Christmastime, under which a pretty maiden does not have to go to be kissed. $ Toy—An outer ~ Py ) shell of tin and paint ‘ serving as a mere covering for a tanta- b lizingly mysterious | £ | F interior. | A ws Doctor—First | \ | . ' te a aid-to-the- plum-pud- i tl dingered. . cea P Shop—To endeavor to wrest a lot } a of wooden zebras, Christy pictures \ w and Limoges vases from a scramble {| —™ | tf of excited femininity, wearied sales- Mod i i ~ a ladies and standing-hitched husbands, aes ~ ~ _ h Eggnog — Essence of Christmas EUGENIC cheer; tincture of day-after Christ- Virginia—Is theirs an eugenic marriage? mas misery Ethel—I\ should say it is!) The groom has four million dollars and heart failure! hi Christmas joke—Any infin o imally slight variation of an ancient witticism relating to the The Plight of the Bard twenty-fifth of December. fy JOHN W. CAREY Spug —A person who insists on giving a pair of shoes to one s"™Was the month before Christmas, and all through the land who had hoped for a regiment of pewter soldiers. Ye scribes who do verses—some simple, some grand— Hubby —A lowly biped used as a beast of burden on Christ- Were scratching in chorus, from ’Frisco to York, mas shopping expeditions. In hopes, one and all, something new to uncork— Frankincense and myrrh—The first Christmas gifts, some- Something off, as it were, of the time-honored beat, what superseded in this progre: age by alcohol and nicotine. That might score a safe hit with a Christmastide sheet. Relative—A Christmas liability Now hear ye of one of such scribes, if you please! e He had sacrificed slumber and comfort and ease ai In a desperate quest for some holiday jokes That know not the age of the hills and the oaks. ir He had toyed with his pad and his pen and his ink And had cudgeled his brains, but of naught could he think P But of jests that were fuzzy and well out of date When Adam and Eve hung their hose on the grate— Of the spinster who longed to be smacked by a swain b And under the mistletoe lingered in vain; ! Of the whiskers which go with the S. Claus attire, And—zip!—are no more when they get near the fire; a | Of the man who climbed up on the roof as St. Nick, And then as a burglar got jailed—double quick; m Of ties that are wished off on father—and socks— By ma, who gets gems in a plush-covered box; Of junk for one’s boudoir, that comes in a set— The kind no sane being would use on a bet; Of the bills which poor dad has to pay on the first— Old gags by the score—from the best to the worst— Including, of course, the parodical skit W On ‘‘The Night before Christmas,’’ and-- well, this is it. be eu Strategy Mrs. Crawford—Have you shown your husband the list of 4 Christmas presents you are going to buy? te Mrs. Crabshaw—No, my dear. He would only want to 7 censor it. t A Christmas Product “Some things can only be seen at Christmas, ’’ sentimentally remarked Mr. Skids. cf “That's a fact,’’ agreed the practical Mr. Skittles. ‘‘For th instance, the dust the janitor brushes off your arm.’? : ALL THINGS COME TO HIM WHO WAITS The man who tries to buy friendship seldom strikes a bargain.