Judge — November 7, 1914 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Stories Restaurant English—‘‘Slip me a brace of cackles,’’ ordered the chesty-looking oung man with a bored air, as he perched on the first stool in the lunchroom. “A what?” asked the waitress, as she placed a glass of water before him. “Adam and Eve flat on their backs! A pair of sunnysiders !’’ said the young man, in exasperated tone. “You got me, kid,’’ returned the wait- ress, ‘*Whatcha want?" “Eggs up,’’ said the young man, “E.g-g-s—the kind that come before the hen or after, I never knew which.”’ “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”’ asked the waitress. ‘‘You'd ‘a’ had ’em by this time.”” “Well, of all things!” said the young man. “knew what he was drivin’ at all the time,’ began the waitress, as the young man departed; ‘‘but he’s one of them fellers that thinks they can get by with anything. He don’t know that they’re using plain English now in restaurants.”’ —Kansas City Times. Married in Vain—H. P. Cady, a chem- istry professor at the University of Kan- sas, tells this story of a seedy-looking man who stole noiselessly into a chemist’s office and closed the door softly behind him: “Kin anybody hear what I say in here?” he asked anxiously. “Not a soul,’’ the chemist assured him. Whereupon the man produced a pack- age carefully wrapped and handed it to the chemist, with the query, ‘‘What is this stuff, anyway?"” After examining the contents, the chemist replied, ‘*Why, that is iron pyr- ites, commonly known as fool’s gold.”” “What's it worth?’’ asked the seedy fellow. “Oh, about three dollars a ton in car- load lots." “Just my pesky luck !’’ exclaimed the questioner. ‘*Dern if I ain’t the biggest fool in the world. I found a lot of that stuff on a widder’s farm an’ went an’ married the widder.""—Kansas City Star. _Wilkerson’s Wife—The bird of time is hitting it up. Women in the Western States are taking political office without asking the aid or consent of their hus- bands. When I was a boy in Kansas, The Spirit of Club Life With Smiles Will Wilkerson was editor of a Populist weekly paper in our village. He later married him a wife, and, next, women got the vote. To-day I see that Will Wilkerson's wife is running for office and is using his - and her—paper to boost her candidacy. “We notice,’’ writes the editor, ‘‘that our wife’s announcement apvears in this issue of the New Era. We have lived with her and obeyed her for nigh onto sixteen years, and knowing her character and qualifications as we do, have no hesi- tancy in saying that we know she is thor- oughly competent and qualified to fill the office. And, believe me, when she gets started, she is going to do some running. And if she wants the office, by golly! we're for her until the last vote is counted.'’— New York Mail. Dodging the Beaten Path —Congressman Robert L. Dougherty, of North Carolina, smiled when the conversation turned to reversing the order,of things. He said he was reminded of the case of Bowers. Bowers met a benevolent party on a railroad train one day, and as the ac- quaintance ripened a bit, he began to spread before the other the history of his life. “‘When I was a clerk in a grocery store,’ remarked Bowers, arnong other things, ‘I received only nine dollars a week, and, like many other young men, I fell in with bad companions and began to gamble. 1’’—— “1 see,’ interrupted the benevolent party sadly; ‘you were tempted and took money which did not belong to you.’” “Oh, no,’’ cheerily responded Bowers. “In less than a month I won enough money to buy the grocery.’’—Philadel- phia Telegraph. Quail on Toast—At the beginning of the hunting season an enthusiastic nimrod named Smith telegraphed a hotel friend in the game region for reservation, and at the appointed time he was right on the job. “Hello, Harry!’’ he exclaimed, salut- ing mine host, as he dragged his dogs and guns to the hotel veranda. ‘Everything all right?” “Couldn’t be better,” was the prompt response of mine host. “*How about the game?’’ returned the sportsmaneagerly. ‘‘Are there any quails around?’” “Well, I should say so!’’ declared mine host. ‘‘Every time the cook throws a refuse piece of toast out the back win- dow, four or five fat quails fight to see which one shall lie down on it !""—Phila- delphia Telegraph. An Example—‘‘Everything seems to be going up in price. Would you believe it, it costs almost as much nowadays to dress a child as it does a grown person!’" “I don’t doubt it at all. Only yester- day I had to buy a new dog collar for Fifi, and the prices have almost doubled. Detroit Free Press. 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