Judge — October 31, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

By Walt Mason THE HORSE is standing on the shed, the garden hose wrapped round his head, and I am thinking, with a frown, on how the deuce I'll get him down. The village boys at midnight came and played the ancient, merry game; on silent feet, with ne'er a shout, they turned the landscape inside out and did more damage, much I fear, than I can straighten in a year. Last evening, when the clock struck nine, my premises were looking fine. Serene and calm I went to bed, without a trouble in my head; but when I rose at six o'clock, my soul sustained a grievous shock. For who can s his charger high upon a shed nor bat an eye? Or see the barn and simply didn’t care a darn! If I could catch a sample kid, I’d lam him as my father did upon an elder, better day, when I was prone to get too gay!"’ It’s human nature, you'll observe; in life there is no mod- ern curve, no wrinkle that is fresh and new—our daddies did just as we do! The Porpoise and the Tortoise NOW THE purpose of the porpoise is to play about the prow Of the schooner as she scoons across the deep, While the torpid-tempered tortoise thinks it exercise enow Just to sit upon a sandy shore and sleep. Said the porpoise to the tortoise, ‘‘I can swim to beat the band, I can dive and do a lovely loop the loop; While you paddle in a puddle, and you waddle on the sand, And you end your tame existence in the soup." Said the tortoise to the porpoise, ‘All these silly stunts, my friend, You may do, and just as many more beside; But I’m very well contented with my life, and at the end 1 am sure they won't make shoestrings of my hide."’ So the porpoise and the tortoise went each one his separate way, Either thinking that the other was a fool; For the tortoise sought the sunny sand to doze away the day, And the porpoise to his sport in waters cool.—£. nr. s. His Preference ‘Where do you want this advertisement run?” “‘Next to pure football matter, if convenient,’’ said the ad- vertiser; ‘‘but, anyhow, as far from the war poetry as possible. Two Sides to Every Question She—But, dear, there are two to everything. He—Yes, dear; but did you ever see the other side of a mirror? his cow up in a tree and never murmur, ‘‘Hully chee'’? My old white mule was painted green, commemorat- ing Hallowe'en, The buggy’s wheels were taken off anc hidden in the water trough. My shepherd dog is in the well—it grieves me sore to hear him yell. My hens were dipped in scarlet dye; like birds of paradise they fly. And everywhere I louk, by heck! I nothing see but ruin, wreck. I know full well I ought to bless the boys who brought me this distress; I ought to murmur heartfelt thanks that they enjoy their cheerful pranks. I ought to say, ‘Once I was young, and many merry tricks I sprung, when yet the moon of Hallowe'en invited children to the green. Ods fish and by the rood, in sooth, I was a wild and graceless youth! These tricks which set me in a stew are naught to what I used to do!"’ Thus should I speak, and thus recall the time when shinning Jimpson’s wall, I placed some grease upon his walk, so that he fell around a block; or how, inspired by profane gods, I plugged his chimney full of sods and smoked him from his humble home and put new gray hairs on hisdome. I should recall those pleasant tim: and how I tortured old Dad Grimes by forcing fetid brimstone fumes through handy keyhole to his rooms. But, ah! such things are of the past, and memories can't always last! I look upon the horrid scene, the dire result of Hallowe'en, and stamp around the yard | Patendete Reyne - and wail, ‘‘Those ding-donged boys should be in jail! When I was young, our stern old dads would lacerate the giddy lads who played such measly tricks as these, who hoisted cattle in the trees and placed a horse upon Mrs. Fathuns—1 am going to Palm Beach this winter. Mri, Slomuns—Why, 1 imagined it was more dressy than that. THE DOMINANT IDEA It’s a perfect Garden of Eden.