Judge — October 24, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

can victory or defeat the minimum in things about which tobibble. Icare even less about men whose wives made them than I do about self- made men. Trying to discover wherein lies the brightness of the bright sayings of infant prodigies makes me wish to run about biting. About all that is left for me in order not to be mobbed by my conservative and de- cent fellow -citizens is to erect a tall and repulsive totem pole in some secluded spot and sit in the shade and make faces at it."’—Tom P. Morgan. His Sage Method “T have a natural Mans PLATO His Antagonistic Attitude | «JT IS getting so that I am hardly fit | to be at large in a civilized com- munity,’’ confessed Mordecai Morose, the ] deservedly unpopular misanthrope. ‘‘Al- most every time I pick up a newspaper, I j discover therein something that causes me | to utter comments which make my rela- tives and friends look at me in a v-e-r-y p-e-c-u-l-i-a-r manner. I am tired of reading ringing resolutions, fearless de- nunciations, clarion calls and helpful preachments. I am annoyed by the antics of pastors who cut vaudeville capers in their pulpits in order to interest their | congregations, and by the brayings of re- formers who insist upon reforming every- body but themselves, I detest being in- structed by tall-browed college presidents, believing that I have already heard every- thing worth hearing. I scoff at the pre- tensions of statesmen who run for office at the earnest solicitation of their many friends, for I am perfectly convinced that | gentlemen who run for office have no friends. I am so skeptical that I snort like a camel when I read of a grown man’s being drugged or a beautiful young soci- ety belle’s being hypnotized and kid- napped. “I don’t appreciate appreciations. I don't like deans. I am tired of mission- aries, I suspect philanthropists. I re- gard winning a golf championship as the zero of achievement. I consider a Mexi- A CALL TO ARM tendency toward do- ing fool things,’’ confessed Alexander Akinside, the dyspeptic dissertationist, “but every once ina while I break the monotony of my actions by pulling off a stunt that is worthy of a wise man. For instance, when I am in anex- tra hurry for my health foods or wish to expedite the house cleaning I deliberately and with malice aforethought make my niece, who keeps house for me, angry. I have observed that she spins through a task about three times as fast when she is thoroughly mad as she does when she is her usual placid self."’ Suspicious Madge — What makes you think he has been in love be- ore? Marjorie—I'm sure of it, my dear. He can put his arm about a girl’s waist and hug her around the neck without getting a pin stuck in him. Her Objection No Hope ‘WO TOURISTS in Florida, while drinking water at the so-called “Fountain of Youth,’’ in the outskirts of St. Augustine, were importuned by the youth who served them the crystal bev- erage to go into the house, where for twenty-five cents they could see some wonderful ‘‘relics of Ponce de Leon.’’ “I fear we haven't time this morning,” politely declined the lady of the party. ‘‘Perhaps we can come back.’’ “T reckon if you don’t see ‘em to-day, you-all won't ever see 'em,’’ drawled the attendant dolefully. “Oh, I think we'll come back.’” “Well, I don’t reckon you will, nohow. My father, he’s been in business sixty years, and he says to me, if you don’t get ‘em the first time, you never get 'em, He says he ain't never seen a come-back come back yet.’’ She Had Mrs, Emberg—Has Clara retained her own individuality since her marriage to Henry? Mrs. Watkins —Oh, yes, indeed—and Henry’s, too. A man should tell his wife what he is convinced she will find out, anyhow. Clerk—This is the most cor- rect writing paper for polite correspondence, Customer—But I wish to write to my husband. : EASILY ANSWERED Sadie—With the French at war, what will we do for ovr new fashions ? Minnie—We'll always be sure to be in style if we wear just a little less comicbooks.com