Judge — September 5, 1914 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SHEARS AND Mother—Why, James, where did you get that strange dog ? What's Not in Washington Things That Might Have Taken Place in the Nation’s Capital, bat Haven't By FR. X. OSWALD Washington Correspondent of Juoce (Special Di-patches to Jupce) Wasuincton, D. C., September 5 — Tears, idle tears, we know not why we shed them! Tears wrung from the depths of some divine despair! Not in years has the Senate of the United States witnessed such a scene of heartrending grief as greeted the returns of the Kansas Repub- lican primaries that told of the defeat of Senator Joseph L. Bristow, of the Sun- flower State. Cold statesmen, unused to demonstrations of emotion, broke down beneath the blow and wept unrestrainedly when the bulletins told the tearful tale that ‘Grasshopper Joe’’ had been recalled by an ungrateful constituency. Senator Gallinger, of New Hampshire, than whom there is no patter standpatter, fell on Bristow’s manly bosom and poured out bis grief in choking sobs. Then Senator Penrose, of Pennsylvania, who triumphed in his own primaries, tenderly caressed the broken Kansan and tried in vain to cheer him by pointing out that Senator Crawford, another insurgent, had simi- larly been discarded in the South Dakota Primaries. Senator La Follette grasped the Kansan’s hand and tried futilely to speak his sorrow. But words would not come. Only the trembling oriflamme of his pompadour revealed the true eruptive power of the grief of ‘Fighting Bob.’’ Soon all the Senate gathered around the fallen hero thus ruthlessly ripped from his self-erected pedestal of insurgency — all but Senator Poindexter, of Washing- ton. That unregenerate Bull Mooser, the only one of his party in the Senate, de- clared it served Bristow right for desert- ing the party of Roosevelt. Then, to add insult to grievous injury, he chanted the opening lines of the ‘‘Revenge of Arma- geddon’’: **Not a drum was heard, not a funeral note, As over the ramparts we hurled him.’’ 5 Because of the complaint that an ever- growing portion of our population is not represented in the executive departments of the government, the President has de- cided to command the Democratic leaders in Congress to pass a law adding to tho Cabinet officials a Secretary of Leisure. This division of the government is to have complete jurisdiction over all forms of loafing. The Secretary is to have the right to make the necessary rules and regulations to prevent ambitious folks from interfering with the inalienable rights of laziness. If necessary, he may call a special election at any time to oust officials who seek to encourage the per- nicious habit of work. Through the De- partment of Justice he is to be empowered to ‘‘bust’’ any corporation found attempt- ing to induce the people on its payroll to earn their salaries. He is to have com- plete and exclusive control over such purely ornamental divisions of our citi- zenry as the I. W. W., Chautauqua lec- turers on government payrolls, tramps, Vice-Presidents and ex-Presidents, tango fans, defeated congressmen, suffragette husbands, free-silver orators, apartment TS IMAGINATION Son—Oh, 1 just made him out of the one I had. house janitors, soap-box demagogues, bridge fiends, walking delegates, finish- ing-school graduates and Washington cor- respondents of Jupce. The new Secretary has not yet been selected, but it can be authoritatively denied that William J. Bryan is to be promoted to that post. James Hamilton Lewis, of Illinois, is the leading aspirant. A knotty problem: Unraveling the thread of a modern detective story. DOMESTIC IMPROBABILITY He—Absurd! There bas been a lapse of six months since the other act, and they still have the same maid. comicbooks.com