Judge, 1914-08-29 · page 9 of 24
Judge — August 29, 1914 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**"Parables of Pifflicus"** is a mock-biblical satire mocking the disconnect between academic achievement and social success at elite colleges (Yale-Vard appears to reference Yale). Chester Nutt excels intellectually—winning debate competitions and academic medals—yet remains invisible to peers and romantic interests. Only when he abandons scholarship to join the athletic team does he gain fame and marry well. The joke: colleges reward athletic prowess over intellectual merit, and society values physical achievement over learning. **"Wilson, Me and Bryan"** is author commentary comparing President Wilson, William Jennings Bryan (Secretary of State), and himself. The piece sarcastically defends Bryan against charges of excessive lecturing while touring, suggesting he's barely been away from Washington. It concludes with a jab at Clay-era politics: the belief that one cannot simultaneously be a great man and elected President—implying Wilson proves this rule. Both pieces critique American institutions and leadership through pointed satire.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Parables of Pifflicus Of the Unwise College Yap By W. KEE MAXWELL NOW it came to pass that one Ches- * ter, firstborn of Ephraim Nutt, went up out of the land of tall grass and en- tered the tem- ples of learning in search of wis- dom. 2 And he abode at a place called Yale-Vard and sat daily at the feet of the doctors, acquir- ing knowledge. 3. And he ap- plied himself diligently unto wisdom, searching many scrolls without ceasing and inquiring many things. 4. Now after many months it came to pass that Chester, surnamed Nutt, arose in the temple before all the doctors and astounded them with his great learning; and they said, Verily, he taketh the schoi- arship prize in a walk. 5. But none acclaimed him among his W. Kee Masirell, ae. fellows, and the maidens knew not his name. 6. When the third year of his sojourn was ended, it so befell that Chester harangued with the assembled heralds of many lands. 7. And his speech astonished the wise ones who had come to judge, and they proclaimed him winner of the joint de- bate and bestowed on him a breastpin of fine gold. 8. But his fellows heeded not his fame, and the maidens gave him the once over -and passed by. 9. And Chester was sore distressed, and spake unto one who knew not a parallelo- piped from a differential calculus, but was wise to his day and generation, saying, 10. Why do they know me not, I who have astonished the elders with my learn- ing and copped the gold medal for plain and fancy orating? “And why do the maidens pass me by unseen? 11, And the wise one smiled and an- swered him, saying, 12. This is acollege. If thou wouldst make thy head serve thee for fame’s sake, encumber it with hair and make the team. 13. Whereupon Chester went on his way rejoicing. And he SOME EUROPEAN BRIC-A-BRAC FOR THEIR LITTLE MOUNTAIN BUNGALOW grew much hair and waxed strong and cast his books into the flames and made the team. 14. And in the first game he smote the enemy sorely and bit many into fragments, and even made a goal all by his lone. 15. Whereupon they called him Old Ches Nutt and greeted him with hosannas day and night. And the maidens vied with one another greatly for his favor. 16. And in due season he took to wife the daughter of an exceeding rich man_ and lived at ease all his days. 17. And Ephraim, father of Chester, pon- dered, saying, Verily, this higher education payeth well. Selah. . Wilson, Me and Bryan By STRICKLAND GILLILAN SUBJECTS should always be mentioned in the order of their importance. That is, if there are any subjects ina republic. One of the principal differ- ences between Wilson and me and Bryan is that Wilson has a sense of hu- mor. So have I. Mr. Bryan has been accused of lecturing too much since he has been drawing a meager dozen thousand per annum as Secretary of State. Those who have heard him say there isn’t so very much lecturing about what he does. Besides, he hasn’t been away from Washington as much as he might have been without hurting the office a bit. In fact, he has lectured almost as little as he has been Secretary of State. Another respect in which Wilson, I and Bryan differ is in that Wilson is a great man. Owing to an unfortunate alleged pref- erence once said to have been expressed by Henry Clay after the election returns and himself were all in and he knew it was Mud again instead of Clay, it is a firmly fixed popular belief that a man must be either right or President, both at once being an impossibility. I and Bryan have the heavy end of the sketch to look after. I and Bryan are just alike in drawing ability. One night, when I was bryaning in an Towa town, a week after Bryan had gilli- laned there, the manager of the lecture course looked out through the peephole in the curtain, saw the meager handful of folks, and said bitterly, “Bryan was here last week, and we couldn’t get any more people in the house.’” Brightly smiling and twinkling my merry brown eyes, I retorted, “And you can’t to-night. That’s what you’re sore about.”’ And he admitted it. Strickland Gillian, 4, 6.4. comicbooks.com