Judge — June 13, 1914 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

we The Fable of the Mouse in the Beer ONE DAY Ignatz the Mouse was deep in his Hole, making Faces at Hops, the Brewer's Cat. “Come out in the Open," said Hops, ‘and I'll swallow you sli If you did that, you Boob,” replied Ignatz, ‘tyou’d have more Intelligence in your Stomach than you have in your Bean. But stand aside and give me a Sporting Chance, and I'll race you three times around the Beer Vat."’ “You're on!"’ said Hops, and he stepped back. Ignatz crawled out of his Hole and legged two Laps around the Tub, with Hops a close second and Gaining Fast. Here Ignatz jooked back, took in the situation, ran up a Plank to the edge of the Vat and dived into the Beer, Now, this Ignatz was Some Swimmer; so he floated around in the Brew and dared Hops to come in and get him. “I thought you were on the level,’ said Hops. ‘Instead, you take a Mean Advantage of my Honesty and go where you know I can't follow. If you have a Drop of Sporting Blood in you, come oat and surrender.’” “Tush,’’ sneered Ignatz, ‘you couldn’t get me with a Net! But I'll tell you what: stay where you are, and I'll come out and run twice around the edge of this Natatorium, but on condition that you don’t follow till I say, Go! Hops consented, and Ignatz crawled out on the other side of the Vat, near the Plank, beat it down the same and Ducked into his . Hole. “Well,’’ remarked Hops, as he walked off thoughtfully, ‘‘that only goes to prove that you should Never take seriously the Remarks of one who is in Liquor.” From a Sinner’s Diary KNOW a woman I wish had a scheme to raise Belgian hares or something on the top of Mt. McKinley or somewhere and wanted ahelper, one who hated housework. I could stab her a hand-picke.i one right from here. If we like anybody we like ‘em. They may be red-headed—cr even thick-headed. It doesn’t make any difference what they have nor what they do. We figure it all out how we want ’em, and then finally come to know that exactly opposite is much the bes I know a boy who shot a wolf and got a $25 bounty. Therefore don’t try to keep him away from the door. Get a box of cartridges and let him come I know a woman who always puts on a patch just the She never trims it. To reform a reformer: stand back and blow. A blue eye looks all right rising over a pink or a white cheek, but along with a brown or brindle cheek I still contend a dark eye rhymes better. Clinch in and answer your own prayers. Wading out into Truth clear to my vaccination mark is what makes me appear Give the devil his dues. He'll take ‘em, anyway. Wouldn't it be a circus to read your own obituary? But, then, it wouldn't do, of course, while you were still here to kick it over My head is swelled so as it is that my old brass halo doesn’t fit any more, and I've got to trade it for a rubber one. When a man dies, they divide the money. When a woman dies, they divide the work. You know the kind—always putting things in a trench that pine for a trellis. When you can have anything you want, after a while you get so you don’t want anything. And you're about as tedious to live with then as when you were always wanting. I have so many imaginary troubles, my real ones hardly ever get an audience with me. Wag at the little uncombed heads in the windows, and when you catch ’em out buy ’em cones. Now, before they have anything, is the only time you can. Then comes a lull; then you can again after they know there's nothing to have. it is. Invite him to step up and do, instead of Lynette Freemire ‘ l RAMESES Largest Selling 20c Cigarette fi “Summer Breezes” “For She’s My Duisy’’ By VALENTINE SANDBERG By W. D, GOLDBECK You may, flowers. but, real- When the mereury hovers around the — > centur k js Kuaranteed to cool y. this par type of wi your fevered bees en your heart every time you look send a copy of this picture in x12 = double Brute mt D5c you for Breezes” and “For She's My also a Judge Art Print C The a JUDGE, 225 Fitth Ave., New York comicbooks.com