Judge — May 16, 1914 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Before Marriage HE CARRIED flowers and diamond rings to please that daz- zling belle, and caramels and other things that damsels love so well. He'd sit for hours upon a chair and hold her on his knees; he blew his money here and there, as though it grew ontrees. ‘If I had half what you are worth,”’ he used to say, “my sweet, I'd put a shawlstrap round the earth and lay it at your feet.’’ He had no other thought, it seemed, than just to cheer her heart; and everything of which she dreamed, he purchased in the mart ‘‘When we are spliced,’’ he used to say, ‘‘you’ll have all you desire—a gold mine ora load of hay, a dachshund or a lyre. My one great aim will be to make your life a thing of joy, so haste and to the altar take your little Clarence boy.’’ And so she thought she drew a peach when they were wed in June. Alas! how oft for plums we reach, and only get a prune! After Marriage “And so you want another hat?’’ he thundered to his frau. “Just tell me what is wrong with that—the one you're wearing now! No wonder that I have the blues, the way the money goes; last week you blew yourself for shoes, next week you'll want new clothes! “*I wish you were like other wives and would like them be- have; it is the object of their lives to help their husbands save. All day I’m in the business fight and strain my heart and soul, and when I[ journey home at night, you touch me for my roll. You want a twenty-dollar hat, to hold your topknot down, or else a new Angora cat, a lapdog or a gown. You lie awake at night and think of things you’d like to buy, and when I draw a little chink, you surely make it fly. “‘With such a wife as you, I say, a husband has no chance; you pull his starboard limb by day, by night you rob his pants. “‘My sainted mother, when she dwelt in this sad vale of tears, had one old lid, of cloth or felt, she wore for thirty years. She helped my father all the time, she pickled every bone, and if she had to blow a dime, it made her weep and moan. “The hat you wear is good as new; ‘twill do another year. So don’t stand round, the rag to chew—I'm busy now, my dear.’’ Ambiguous Frost—I don’t like women to wear colors. Mrs. Frost—All right, love. I'll gladly wear black for you. Baffled ETTY, a bright little five-year-old, was a born gossip. It was her custom, as soon as she arrived at her grandmoth- er’s, to say, “Come into the bathroom, gma. I’ve got a lot to tell you.’” And she generally did have, being blessed with three popu- lar, grown-up sisters. One day, however, she came in looking despondent. “Any news, Betty?"’ inquired grandmother. ‘*Not much,”’ said Betty soberly. ‘‘ William (Sister Mabel’s fiance) was over last night, but he and Mabel spelled most everything."” The Button Doctor During the short seven years of her life, little Florence Louise had become duly impressed with the prevalence of specialists in the medical profession. One day, after returning from a visit to a small playmate, she calmly announced, “*Rena swallowed a button.’” ‘Are you not worried about her?’ she was asked. “Oh, she will get along all right,’’ Florence Louise com- placently replied. ‘They sent for a regular button doctor.’’ Not a Chance Visitor (to patient convalescing from a serious operation)— Hag your temperature gone down yet? Patient—No. I received the doctor’s bill to-day. Sure He Has It She (to husband, who has armful of bundles)—Good heavens, Jack! What are all those things? He—Well, I couldn't remember the thing you told me to get, so I got all the things I thought it might have been. TANGO LESSONS FOR GENTLEMEN FOR THE TIRED BUSINESS MAN comicbooks.com