Judge — March 7, 1914 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

I AM RATHER mild and kind, and I have no Nero’s mind, yet I’m wishing now and then that I had a club again, anda license for to slay in the good old Berserk way. For I meet so many bores every time I’m out of doors! And I meet so many jays famous for their bonehead plays! There’s the fellow who is sure that our nation can’t endure, since our statesmen won't obey all the things he has to say. From his mouth the wisdom leaks for a fortnight or three weeks; and, although I’m fond of peace, hoping earthly strife may cease, I would like to see him boil in a caldron full of oil. There’s the tiresome, turgid gent who forevermore is bent on discussing tariff laws and the origin and cause of the old H. C. of L.; and he’ll drivel and he'll dwell on his moldy store of facts, and he’!I turn out cataracts of statistics dry as dust, till you weep in your disgust. Every time I take a walk this old sport begins to knock, criticising Schedule K and the duty on tame hay. As I have remarked before, I’m opposed to strife and gore, and I think that men should be full of love and char- ity; but this man gets on my nerves with his weary tariff curves, and I'd like to see him stew in a lake of boiling glue. There’s the man with “‘gift of tongues’’— also with the gift of lungs; evermore you see him reach for a chance to make a speech. He is loaded all the time with a sermon or a rhyme, with a discourse or a wheeze; he has foot and mouth disease. Every time he has a chance he begins to paw and prance, parts his whiskers, clears his throat, and makes every one the goat. Do we to a picnic go, where the woodland waters flow? ’Neath the hemlock and the beech, this old bore will make a speech. Do we go to plant a friend, who has reached his journey’s end? When the mourners cease to screech, he will rise and make a speech. Do we go to see the bride, orange-wreathed and starry-eyed, in the church where good men preach? This old skate will make a speech. When the final day is here, and the mountains disappear, and the lightnings rend the skies, and the sheeted dead arise (as the sacred writings teach), this old scout will make a speech. I have hinted divers times that I do not care for crimes, but I'd like to see this man in a big tin frying pan, sizzling o’er a brimstone blaze for about a million days. I could name a thousand mutts, trailing in their time-worn ruts, boring hosts of helpless males, telling o'er the same old tales, clinging to their same old spiels. Is it strange a martyr feels he would like to see them cook in a bubbling asphalt brook? An Interpreter Needed RS. JONES was traveling in Europe, accompanied by ber two daughters, Eleanor and Marion. Eleanor planned al} the routes they were to take and by what means they should journey, but Marion, who was the only one of the party that could speak any language other than English, was obliged to make all the inquiries necessary for the desired arrangements, As a consequence, the others were constantly saying to her, “Ask him this’’ or ‘‘Ask him that.’’ One day Mrs. Jones misunderstood what they had planned to do and climbed into the wrong carriage. Eleanor looked at her in desperate silence for a minute or two, and then turned to Marion and said, ‘‘Ask her to get out!”” Alas, Too True “‘There are more important things in life than money.” “Yes; but you haven’t the leisure to notice them, if you haven’t got the coin.’” : Correct! Tessie Footlights—Men are just like bells, anyway. Cattie Calcium—Yes; you've always got to pull their legs to get the rings out of them. VAY HURSEY THOS — WOMAN'S LOGIC Frank—If you hadn't been so long dressing we shouldn't have missed the boat. Mrs. Frank—And if you hadn't hurried me so we shouldn't have so long to wait for the next. One On the Voice Lecturer—Ladies and gentlemen, we shall consider this eve- ning the fundamental principles of architecture. The Etrus- cans—— A wandering voice—How d’ye build a dog house? Lecturer (solicitously)—Are you going to move? comicbooks.com