Judge — February 28, 1914 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

5 ee OB OV A How a Humorist Ran for President By IRVING BACHELLER “When I was eight years old I became a candidate for President of the United States. The nomination was a maine surprise, for I had made no effort to secure it. As amatter of fact, there were many things that looked bet- ter to me; I would have preferred the position of bass drummer in the band at the county fair, but there were those who thought they knew what I wanted better than I did. We lived in the land of Silas Wright, who spent more time declining honors than did other statesmen in trying to get them. His party wanted him to run for President, but he wouldn’t. So, to the Yankees of the North, the presi- dential game looked easy. My father said that all I had to do was to be as good and as great as Silas Wright and my election was sure. Governor Wright had been dead for twenty years. I soon learned that he was the greatest man that ever died—there is no distinction like that. I had no sooner got command of the theory and technique of one of his virtues than he assumed another. When I had acquired his gift of working all day and studying a part of the night, they told me that he always spent an hour in the garden, pulling weeds before breakfast. I began to under- stand why he was dead and also why he was so talented. Everybody was watching me and nobody was watching Silas. By and by I discovered that there were other can- didates for President in the neighborhood. The Silas game had also been tried on them. We candidates got together one day over in Howard's grove and discussed the issues. We were sick of the campaign—too many weeds in it. We all withdrew and ran away from school and spent a joyful afternoon at the old swimmin’ hole. Next morning I came down stairs at breakfast time and found that the teacher had been there. I observed a general air of depression in the family. “(My father said in a kindly tone, ‘I thought that you intended to be President.’ “I told him that I had withdrawn. “Then he said, ‘Will you please come with me?’ “IT went. It was a beautiful summer morning, as calm as he. A song sparrow tried to hold up my heart. A squirrel looked down at me from a treetop as if he had a hole to recommend. I followed in silence through the garden walk and out under the orchard boughs. Not a word was spoken. My father stopped and cut a sprout from one of the trees and then another and trimmed them as he walked. He stopped and whittled, looking down thought- lly. I stood near him. After a moment of silence he said, “**T suppose you know the object of this meeting.’ “T admitted that I did. “I've got ye a renomination for President,’ he said. ‘It was hard work, but I did it. If you'll only do your part I'll stand by ye.’ “Suddenly I heard a boy yelling down in the valley. It was the voice of an ex-candidate, in an outburst of en- thusiasm, as he re-entered the campaign. In a minute he knew that I was with him. The argumentum ad puerem was being administered throughout the valley. It was unanswerable and a bit rough. It has passed. Now we have the argumentum ad patrem. More refinement! After all, what did this striving to be angels and President amount to? Not one of us was ever elected.”” Too Weak for Stone—Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it is both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears from him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into a restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips, he made a wry face and then beckoned to the proprietor. “What do you call this stuff?’ he asked. “Coffee,” meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised. “Coffee !"* repeated Stone, with scorn. ‘‘I could put a coffee bean into my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street, swim ‘way up to Vicksburg, and I’ll guarantee that ‘any one could bail up much better coffee than this over the entire route!" —New York Tribune. Paris Edition of Judge “That PARIS EDITION of le JUDGE which you have commissioned me to produce, it will perchance its appear- ance make in the close future. It will in the text and the illustration be very droll. Me, I will furthermore guarantee that this edition will, how you say dans Englais, ‘cause you to sit above and make the observation’! (Signed) HENRI BIZARRE."* % Extract from a letter just re- ceived from our Paris Art Editor. Ne SIYEES THE MAGAZINE OF INDIVIDUALITY YOUR COSTUME THIS SPRING Do you want it to be not only “smart,” but becoming, dis- tinctive, individual? SMART ___ predicts, STYLES elects Through the maze of fashion's glittering parade, SMART STYLES can guide you expertly to just the suit, the frock, the hat that become you best, express your own personality exactly. THE SMART STYLES SPRING FASHION NUMBER ‘on the news-stands, February 25th means a 25 cent expenditure for guidance toa costume that will hold its charm for you and others, Order your copy from your news-dealer now. Better still, let us present you with two copies, for the priv- becoming acquainted. Send the attached coupon bill, at our risk, for six splendid issues of SMART STYLES—each one timely, seasonable, helpful, and a revelation to women who care for dress-distinction. MARCH APRIL, MAY The Spring Fashions _Millinery Modes Brides JUNE JULY Summer Fashions and Life in the Tra: Open veling AUGUST The Younger Generation THE JNO. J. MITCHELL CO. 41 West 25th St. N.Y. oe Se Ghocciga tod Canedinn 4180 In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. comicbooks.com