Judge — January 3, 1914 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E HAD a little run- about— 15 h.-p., no more But it was cov- ered up with flags Of travel, aft and fore. No other car so many signs Of auto tcurs could boast— It flaunted every settlement Of size from coast to coast I wondered how a small machine Like that could stand the pace. “Of all the makes on earth,”’ I said, “Sure this one takes the ace.’” And then one day by accident Thit upon the trail That led me to the truth—behold, He bought those flags by mail! —Minna Irving. Starting Something “Say, d’yer see me two fists and me strong right arm? Weil, I’d jist as leave start something as not!’’ “Allright. What will you charge an hour for cranking automobiles?’” Give Him an Inch— “Why won't Mrs. H. Peck let her hus- band run their car?’’ “‘She’s afraid the feeling of power will tend to make him insubordinate.”’ Riches When riches take wings, they usually exceed the speed limit. HELP WANTED Stranger—Hey, there! Need any assistance? Voice from under machte—Yes; I wish you'd answer my wife's questions whie I'm fixing this inferna: machine. ‘Watching Our Funny World Go By By HOMER CROY Eating Celery A FEW days ago a young man in Ft. Worth, Tex., went into o restaurant and sat down beside a fellow eating cel- ery on high. Not being able to stand it, he got up and thrashed the celery man- gler, and now he’s lying in jail without anybody to sympathize with him. But we sympathize with him. The way some people eat celery is enough to make anybody want to fight. Some people, when they eat celery, sound as though some one was strapping a trunk in the next room. They sound too much like a woman carrying out her washing in a new clothes basket to suit our refined ear. We are against the forced-draft celery eaters. There is nothing that pains us more than to see a beautiful young girl, with otherwise every mark of cu! ture about her, eat- ing celery with the Ouimet teeing stroke. If we can detect her eating celery when we are hanging up our hat in the vestibule, her beauty begins to pale on us. No one shouldeat celery unless every one at the table joins in the chorus. The man who will invent a noiseless variety of celery will save many rough, unmanly fist fights and will write his name high on the film of honor. From the Northwest WE DON’T want to seem to have a grouch, but we haven’t an awful lot of faith in the weather department. When we read ina corner of the paper that it is going to be anice day and go out without our overcoat, it is sure to be a blizzard. If a person followed the weather cards hung up in the post-office, he would have a cold the year around. If the weather chart says ‘‘Fair and warm- er,’’ we hurry home and put on our flan- nels; if it says ‘‘Cold wave coming,’’ we throw our overcoat over the sewing ma- chine and march merrily off to work. When it gets right down to the scraped wire, we would have more faith in the weather bureau if it was a good checker player and reached into the dried-apple =} | me Cdasrinuareaae A CUBIST DESIGN FOR A LIMOUSINE The body may be all right, but the wheels will not go round, barrel when no one was looking. The weather man is a humorist. After he’s had experience in the weather department, he can get a job running a funny maga- zine. Some day we are going to ask the editor of this magazine if he ever worked in Washington! Observed by the Observer A SCIENTIST has just found that there are twenty-four hundred varieties of snakes, The grass seems to be full of them. a In Michigan a woman has married the same man three times. We say that this is his own fault—he could have got away if he had really wanted to. co We, for one, could get along without so much Huerta in the papers. All this stuff about Huerta is getting to be a problem. It is beginning to crowd the pure advertising matter. comicbooks.com