Judge — December 27, 1913 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Latest News from Hogwallow, Ky. FRISBY HANCOCK fell in with an agent for a patent separator while over on Musket Ridge this week, but could not get interested in buying one, as he and his wife have already done so. One of the merchants at Tickville is getting ready to hold his regular monthly Closing-out-at-cost Sale. The large yellow horse driven by Ellick Hellwanger got frightened the other morning and ran away, throwing Ellick to the ground. The horse doctor from Thunderation was called, and it was sev- eral minutes before he could get Ellick’s watch to ticking again. Some miscreant has stolen Poke Eaz- ley’s last chair. But he has his bed to fall back on. Frisby Hancock went to hear the Hog Ford preacher last Sunday. The sermon was so long, both of his feet went to sleep. Raz Barlow went hunting Thursday. He killed a rabbit and two cows. The Excelsior Fiddling Band has been putting in good time practicing this week and have tromped down about two acres of turnips trying to learn to play a march. The Hogwallow postmaster reports that he did not rest so well last night, after having eaten some cheese for sup- per. He says every time he eats cheese he dreams of rats, —George Bingham. Honesty, like beauty, is often only skin deep. The Drama in New York HE PRANCED up to the window of the box office. “Gimme ticket to the show.”” “Sorry, sir,’’ responded the urbane ticket dispenser. ‘‘No tickets being sold for this performance.” “Huh “‘No tickets sold for this particular performance.’"’ “*How’s that?’’ “This performance is being given for the district attorney. There is, however, a good show across the street.’’ “Been over there,” snapped the man, “and they were playing exclusively to the grand jury. This is a fine town! Where's them waxworks exhibiting now- adays? Maybe I kin git a view of them without intruding on the coroner.’’ And he pranced out. Happy Thought! It looked like the end of effort in rhyme— He'd been stuck for an hour fora jingle with ‘month’; Then he slapped in a lassie who lisped all the time, And he chuckled, ‘‘I've beaten N. Web- ster for onth.”” The Newcomer ‘What's that poddy little figure with a stethoscope for a bow and a quiver full of clinical thermome- His Utility ««"THERE is my nephew, Le Roy, who is home from a fresh-water col- lege, where he has been accumulating knowledge at my expense,’ a bit grimly said the Old Cod- ger. ‘‘He has acquired an entirely new accent and three bushels of pipes, and knows all about oN pragmatism and who sub- @@/__.> sisted on the Diet of —_—* Worms and what's the latest razzle in neckwear and how to perform the duties of an usher at achurch wedding and what a split infinitive is and which knub on his head to wear his hat, and so on and so forth. While as a tiller and toiler Le Roy don’t amount to a hoot in heck, as a repository of non-essential flapdoodle I reckon he is without a peer in this vicin- ity.” Bright, I, Say! Albert—Algey makes very sure of him- self before he does any boasting. Edgar—aA safe blower, eh? Charity The Charity that begins at home and remains there is anemic. An occasional outing will do it good. ters? Esculapius?”’ “‘No, indeed! That is the Cupid of the eugenic marriage.”’ To Be Safe The prima donna was reading the rough draft of her new contract. When she came to the paragraph pro- viding that she should have trans- portation for herself, maid, dog and Signor Gazibeani, her hus- band, she drew a line through the signor’s name. “Just put that husband,”” she or- dered. “Yes, madam,” assented the mana- ger. ‘But why, if I may ask?"’ The diva blushed and coyly tucked her head. ‘‘I may wish to make a change.”’ she answered. EXPERT Extie—That girl absolutely threw herself at Bob. Netie—Oh, well, I guess she knew he was a good catcher, comicbooks.com