Judge, 1913-12-06 · page 26 of 40
Judge — December 6, 1913 — page 26: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical pieces mocking Christmas commercialism and domestic life in early 20th-century America. **"Superlative Happiness"** jokes that a woman's happiest Christmas was *before* marriage—when she discovered her engagement ring was heavier than expected, suggesting wives value material goods over marital contentment. **"The Right Material"** mocks courtship by suggesting a weak, submissive man makes the best husband because he'll accept dismissal without complaint. **"The Glad Christmastime"** (the long poem) is the page's main satire, cataloging Christmas's commercialism: excessive gift-buying, wasteful spending (mother's $500 Paris hats versus father's paper collars), mistletoe-hunting wives, fire departments overwhelmed by decorations, and—the poem's bitter payoff—fathers working six months to pay for mothers' extravagant presents. The shorter pieces reinforce this theme: the drudgery of obligatory gift-giving, children's misbehavior, and financial strain following the holiday. The satire targets conspicuous consumption and gendered economic inequality—wives spend freely while husbands labor to pay debts.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Superlative Happiness ors HAT was the most pleasant Christ- mas you ever had?”” “It was the last Christmas before I was married.’’ “Do you mean to say that Christmas has not brought you happiness since your marriage?”’ “Not at all! It was on the last Christ- mas before I was married that I discovered that my engagement ring was nearly half a karat heavier than I thought it to be.’’ THE RIGHT MATERIAL Parext—Agatha, I feel that you were unwise in refus- ing young Mr. Simplisimis. ‘Agatha —Why, mother, he’s such a weak little man! Exactly. The meek way in which he accepted his dismissal proved that he is of the stuff from which sat- Parent—' isfactory husbands are made. Mother—Stop crying at once, or I shall whip you! The Glad Christmastime By JOHN W. CAREY H° HO! glad Christmastime is nigh, When highbrow clubs in session That Santa Claus canard decry As moral retrogression; The same old, good old Christmastime, When for the toyshop girlie We're urged to loosen up our dime And do our shopping early; When folks for junk to load their shelves Join helplessly in giving The things away they’d keep themse.ve To know the joy of living; When household nooks are jammed with truck That's spied by youthful friskers; When fire departments curse their luck And Santa Claus’s whiskers; When Edith draws a sapphire star Upon her neck to dangle And Percival a touring cat And Mae a topaz spangle, And mother gets some Paris toques That cost five hundred dollars, And dad (see Adam’s Book of Jokes) One box of paper collars, Glad Christmastime, when dames in want Of manly adulation The mistletoe are duc to haunt, In hopes of osculation; When wives of men who use the weed Set in the year’s provisions (For further information, read The holiday editions) ; When Sunday school ,is such a treat No wise young man would miss it (No bill on Christmas Eve com- plete Without ‘Kris Kringle’s Vis- it’ When bills pile up on New Year’s Day For fobs and rhinestone cres- cents, And father works six months to pay * What mother spent for pres- ents. Small fiend—Then I'll teil the conductor I'm over age—boo-hoo! “* Cook, you don't seem to understand that a real pirate can eat almost any amount of doughnuts around Christ. Rubbing It In When senseless presents come your way (Those fool things stitched and beaded), It gets your goat to have to say They were just what you needed. Poor Papa! Mrs. Crawford—How's your Christmas money coming out? Mrs. Crabshaw—Splendidly! I've all my presents bought except one for my husband, and I’ve thirty cents left. Checking Up Cardcase for Carrie; Hatchet for Harry; Ruskin for Paul; Inkstand for Claudie; Suitcase for Maudie; Trumpet for Saul; Matchbox for Lenny; Apron for Jenny— Say, is that all? A REGULAR BUCCANEER mas time without being a bit the worse for it."” comicbooks.com