Judge, 1913-10-04 · page 9 of 24
Judge — October 4, 1913 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains four separate humorous pieces typical of early 20th-century American satirical magazines: 1. **"Dire Distress"**: A well-dressed man advises his shabby friend "Wombat" to improve his appearance or lose his job. The joke: Wombat can't afford new clothes because his wife needs a feather for her hat—suggesting working-class wives prioritize frivolous fashion over practical needs. 2. **"Back to the Farm"**: Satirizes popular romantic literature promoting rural life. The irony: the writer who sentimentalizes farm living actually *hated* farm work (waking at 4:30 a.m.) and now wants only to *sell* the idea to others, never returning himself. 3. **"The Logical Conclusion"**: A child's innocent theological question about why God doesn't repair disabled people like broken machines. 4. **"Long Drouth in Kansas"**: A farmer admits he can't answer how long the drought has lasted—he's only lived there five years—implying the drought is so severe, even the recently-arrived don't remember rain. The page showcases Judge's mix of domestic humor, social commentary, and regional American wit.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Dire Distress ««XCUSE me, Wombat,”’ said the well-dressed one, ‘‘but personal friendship prompts me to speak.’’ “What is it, old chap?” “T fear that, unless you improve your per- sonal appearance, you may lose your job.’”’ “‘I hope not.’” “You need a new ha “Um.” “You need a new suit.” “Um.” “You need shoes. Man alive, your feet are on the ground!”’ “Quite true,’’ admitted Wombat, with 8 sigh, . “Then take this week’s salary and spruce up.’’ “Can't squander any money on myself, old man. My wife is worse off than I am.” “Dear me! How is that?”’ “She needs a new feather in her hat.” —Wm, 8, Adkins. OFFICIAL orand 4 ™ 7) WOMAN “Back to the Farm” writs the message he’s penning with might and with main? Ah, the slogan is, ‘‘Back to the Farm!’’ And he writes of the orchard and leaf- laden lane In language with magic and charm. “Oh, the life that is simple all ailments will cure— Far away from the asphalt’s alarm— Where the air is like incense and water is pure!’’ Runs the ballad of ‘‘Back to the Farm.”’ And the scribe is well versed on his pet apothegm, For he first saw the light on the farm, And many’s the morn at four-thirty a.m. That he hopped from a bed that was warm. So his heart’s in his song (though it savors of salve), For he hopes he may sell it for pelf, To buy him a meal check, so he will not have To go back to the farm himself. —John W. Carey, Correct “What is frenzied finance?” “Financing your friends."’ The Logical Conclusion A LITTLE girl was walking along the street with her mother, when she saw a one-armed man. It was the first time in her life that she had ever seen a man without an arm, and she wanted to know all about it. Her mother ex- plained, in answer to her questions, that the man had probably met with an acci- dent of some kind and that his arm would never grow back. The little girl thought for a moment, and then said, ‘‘Well, if the Lord made us, it seems to me like He ought to keep us in repair.’” Long Drouth in Kansas The tourist was looking over western Kansas. “It looks pretty dry down here,’’ he said. ‘How long has it been since this section had a rain?’’ “‘Well, sar,’’ replied the farmer, ‘‘you will have to ask some one else. You see, I’ve lived here only five years.’’ When holding a straight flush it is better to stay in and raise and win than not to have raised at all. comicbooks.com