Judge, 1913-09-13 · page 15 of 24
Judge — September 13, 1913 — page 15: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short satirical pieces typical of early-20th-century Judge magazine, mocking gender relations and domestic life. **"An Attractive School"** proposes teaching young women to manipulate husbands through flirtation, tears, and physical affection rather than practical skills like cooking. The satire criticizes both the author's shallow priorities and the era's expectation that wives use emotional/physical manipulation to maintain marriages. **"His Only Chance"** shows a husband who can only speak freely while asleep—satirizing wives' dominance in marriage and men's lack of autonomy. **"The Very Man"** mocks a woman planning transparent clothing photography, suggesting she'd need X-rays for modesty—satire on 1920s fashion trends and women's changing appearance standards. **"Jones Caught"** describes a man missing his train due to socializing, with his wife's reaction implied. The cartoons throughout use domestic scenarios to satirize marriage power dynamics, gender expectations, and social pretension—characteristic Judge humor targeting middle-class American life.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
An Attractive School By HORACE DODD GASTIT {asi home. —Dailr paper.) UST how to be a Housewife fine—now that’s the thing to teach! How best to bring perfection to a soft and dainty peach! To take her talents rare in hand and show her what to do to keep the romance of her life im- perishably new! Somany sweet romances have been spoiled by maids unwise who wed without full knowledge of the way to use their eyes to keep old Hubby on the string years after they were wed, and for his club joys make him love the sweets of home instead. The teacher sage in optics, he will show her how a glance will fill the blase heart of man with an unending dance. He'll show her how to cast them down in the demurest way when she’s a bill for Easter hats she wants her hub to pay. He'll teach her how to seem to flirt with sundry other men and thus bring back the waning love of her old man again. I'd like to have that job myself to teach the maiden true the wondrous possibili- ties of two deep eyes of blue! Then there’s another member of this happy faculty who'll teach the maiden all the arts of the philosophy of soft and sweet caresses, such as weary hub- bies crave when they return at night from toil along life’s busy pave. Ah, I should muchly like a class of maidens sweetly fair to teach them how to pat man’s cheek, and how to stroke his HIS ONLY CHANCE Jane—Do you know you talk in your sleep, John? John—Weil, do you begrudge me even those few words? hair; just how to meet him at the door as he returns at night, and what to do the moment when he ambles into sight. I should not care to have the class in cooking. That's a job that doesn’t stir my heart at all, or make my pulses throb; and as for marketing, I'd leave that work for other folk who give more time and thought to things ‘neath the domestic yoke. But in the arts of hold- ing hands, the use of fingertips, the many most effective modes of fashion- ing the lips—I'd gladly take the chair in these, and teach with all my art just how the lips and fingertips are used to cheer the heart. I'd like to teach some maiden rare the many kinds of smile that make a home attractive full of innocence or guile. I'd like to coach her in the craft of laugh- ter silvery to keep her husband's love as fresh as once it used to be; and how to pout, and how to frown, and when to use a tear to keep the home like a ma- chine that’s never out of gear. At any time I'm needed 1 will be professor of the scientific method of the art of mak- ing love. While the Poet Dreamed The poet dreamed of naiads and of dryads and of fays And of little brooks that babbled gently down through woodland ways. While the poet sat there dreaming she who had to share his lot In the kitchen pressed his trousers, nearly melting on the spot. The Very Man Marjorie—She's going to have her r pic- ture taken in her transparent skirt. Madge—Why doesn't she go to one of those X-ray photog- raphers? Naturally Get into trouble, and you will arouse interest among your acquaint- ances. Become @ success, and the details will only bore them, ‘There is not so much taint- ed money in circulationnow since the treas- ury laundry has been working. FOR ABOUT FIFTY DOLLARS Mrs, Bailey—Hats are to be simply trimmed this year. Bailey—How about husbands? Mrs, Bailey—Simply trimmed also. Jones Caught ONES usually caught the five-thirty train out of the Grand Central for New Rochelle. This day, however, he had met a friend and remained over to renew acquaintanceship. He was plainly up against it, but finally managed to get the following wire off to Mrs. Jones: “‘Missed the five-thirty. Don’t keep dinner waiting. Will be a little late to- night.”” It was long after midnight when he left the train at New Rochelle and ten minutes later before he reached home. Mrs. Jones met him at the front door. “You got my message, darling?’’ he asked, pressing a box of bonbons into her hands. “Oh, yes!’? quickly returned Mrs. Jones. ‘‘I got it all right. But I would like to know why you sent a wire at four-thirty, telling me you had missed the five-thirty train,” Jones couldn’t. The Trifler He loves to lie beneath the tree, Warmed by the light of Myrtle’s eyes. Outbursts of love he pours; ah me! The while he lies, and lies and lies. Not in His Line “*Pa, what’s a contre-temps?"’ “I don't know. I’ve never learned the names of all these automobile parts.’ comicbooks.com