Judge — July 19, 1913 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Why Things Are Slow at Newport This Season THE LATEST and newest fad among society people at Newport is taking a pig out riding in the automobile, in- stead of a lapdog. This is going to hold things back at Newport. We wish it distinctly under- stood that we do not favor this new fashion. Newport cannot count on our support. If anybody should invite us to spend a week-end in Newport this summer, we shall have to hurt somebody's feelings by not complying with the latest fashion. It makes no difference how well brought up the pig is, what its parentage may be, or how blue its blood may be, we feel that it will never have a very warm place in our heart. There are always chords in our ‘heart that a pig can- not touch. We don't doubt that a pig with a pink ribbon around its throat and its nose sticking out of a blue-tinted bag looks cute, but, still, we will never pine away fora pig to take out in our auto.* This is all because of something that happened to us when we were younger. One day we slipped out into the lot, where a large, rotund mother pig lay dozing in the bosom of her family. We picked up one of her offspring by the tail, as some one had told us that if you pigked up a pig by its tail it would sound no tocsin of warning. This is a falsehood. This offspring had a particularly good tocsin and turned iton full blast. With that, the mother pig leaped to her feet and made atus. We started on. The mother pig accelerated her speed, and we did also. Our acceler- ator was in good working order. The mother pig took a nip out of our calf. We did not stop to reprove her—we kept on accelerating. We made for a tree and started up it. The mother pig struck at us and got a large dorsal tooth caught in the seat of our trousers. We kept righton. Again she struck at us, and again she got her teeth tangled in our trousers. We kept right on toward the top. We got one In confidence: Werreally haven't any auto; but we like to throw out our chest once in a while, G. OUR-oFUNNSSS= WORLD = GO2BY Y ¢ By HOMER CROY~ ‘ foot over a limb and looked down at her in hurt surprise. But she did not stop to interpret the look in our eyes and kept walking around and around the tree, mumbling under her breath. All afternoon she stayed beneath that tree, while we remained on that limb. We got a good chance to study her pro- file. We spoke to the mother pig, asking her like a gentleman to retire; but her finer feelings were gone. Often she stood upon her hind feet, with her fore feet against the tree, trying to reach us; but she could not comfort us. Finally, through the gloaming, came the owner and looked at us in surprise. He threw the mother pig some corn, which she began to eat with a loud rel- ish. The manners she set for her off- spring were not all that acultivated mind <> Vo ee i Strange Doings, What? A MAN in Jersey City is suing a con- cern because it is using his face asa bologna advertisement. Probably a mem- ber of the firm came across the Jersey City man and said, ‘‘We must use this man’s face--I never saw such a face!" That's a pretty poor pun, isn’tit? Yes, we had to butcher the King’s English to make it. Forgive us this one time, never, never do so again, and we'll Random Notions The latest fad among the women of Paris is to carry their own spoons when they go to an afternoon tea. We trust that the women, on leaving the tea shop, won't wipe the spoons under their arms, Real ladies would never be guilty of that. A real lady would lightly cleanse the spoon on her underskirt and replace the utensil in her bag. By watching Paris women ata fash- ionable tea, you can soon tell which are the real ladies and which are only social climbers. An Englishman said the other day, on the street in Chicago, that the Irish were no good and would never “THE NEWEST PAD IS TAKING A PIG OUT RIDING” could desire. The owner asked why we were so bent on sticking to thatlimb. We explained that bent wasn’t any name for it; we had no desire to become sustenance for the mother pig—especially when she had such bad table manners, The owner helped us down and led us away without one vain regret. We could see no beauty in the domestic scene be- fore us. From that day on, none of the swine family has had any attraction for us. We will have to disappoint New- port. It will have to get along the best way it can without us—we flatly refuse to bow to this new foible of fashion. They've passed a law in Clayton, Mo., a suburb of St. Louis, imposing a fine for swearingonthestreets. The fine is from $1 to $100. If anybody has to go to jail because he can’t pay up, our sympathy is with him—we've been in Clayton. have home rule in Ireland. He is still on a diet of mutton broth, but the head physician says that he will be able to go out in a wheel chair in a couple of weeks. A genius has invented an alarm clock that sounds like ripping cloth. No doubt, on hearing it, a person just tears out. We could have said, ‘Well, anyway, it should make a ripping good alarm’’; but that would have been cheap and tawdry. There is nothing worse than a pun that goes flat. Yes, a pun should always be pungent. Now that women are going to have pistol pockets on their hips, a lot of peo- ple are worrying that some of the suffra- gettes will take to gun packing. But we think there is a mistake of one letter. Our bet is that they are more apt to take to gum packing. Or, again, speaking in military terms, powder puffs. comicbooks.com