Judge, 1913-06-28 · page 19 of 25
Judge — June 28, 1913 — page 19: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several humor pieces typical of Judge's satirical style: **"How to Have Fireworks on July 4th Without Gunpowder"** is a tongue-in-cheek list suggesting ways to create domestic chaos and conflict instead of using actual fireworks—shooting off one's mouth, inflaming family disputes, firing the cook. The satire mocks both reckless Independence Day celebrations and family discord. **"His Pessimistic Attitude"** ridicules an overly cynical character who obsessively catalogs things beneath his contempt, with absurdist examples (old fiddles, red whiskers, a legislator losing his mind). **"Worst Sellers"** is a brief joke: a publisher asks about steak at a restaurant; the assistant puns that they serve "half calf and three-quarter leather"—wordplay on book binding materials. **"Publicity's Pulling Power"** satirizes how churches draw crowds not through doctrine but scandal—a pastor's decision to feature a former chorus girl as soprano packs the pews. The right page is primarily advertising for Niagara Falls tourism and Hotel Imperial, typical of Judge's business model.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Id 3. ad ce he m- nd those I have named they will do—for the present. Love to all. “‘Affectionately yours, “Bob. “The boys want me to join their Glee Club, and, if I do, { will have to scare up about twenty-five dollars for an instru- ment; but the education I would get in music would pay. I have half promised to subscribe for a ticket for a course of six concerts, and I will if you can spare the six dollars for the course tickets. The regular tickets are a dollar and a half each, so it is a clear saving of three dollars to buy a course ticket, and I want to be as economical as I-can. B."" How to Have Fireworks on July 4th Without Gunpowder Shoot off your mouth. Inflame the family. Explode a few theories. Kindle the wrath of your neighbors. Blaze with indignation. Rifle the refrigerator. Fire the cook, Illuminate your remarks with profanity. Burn with shame, His Pessimistic Attitude “My notion of nothing to worry about,’’ grimly remarked the Erratic Thinker, ‘‘is why men do not go to church; of nothing to be proud of, is the possession of an old fiddle; of nothing to listen to, is a help- ful lecture; of nothing to invent, is a slogan; of nothing to go crazy over, is perpetual motion; of nothing to put per- fumery on, is red whiskers; of nothing to be when you become one, is a billiard champion; of nothing from nothing and nothing remains, is when a man who dances divinely breaks his leg while doing 80 ora member of the Legislature loses his mind. And there are a number of other things that I don’t think of at this moment for which I feel an equally pro- found contempt whenever I happen to re- call them.*” Worst Sellers Book publisher (about to go to lunch) — Now for a rare edition of porterhouse! By the way, Bill, what kind of steaks have they got at that new place around the corner? Assistant—Half calf and three-quarter leather! Publicity’s Pulling Power Mr, Pewlett (during Sunday breakfast) —We must leave for church early this morning, dear; the building will be jammed. Mra, Pewlett—Jammed? Mr. Pewlett—Yes. The pastor has let it be known that our new soprano used to be a chorus girl with the Gayety Opera Company. Yes, in Many In some restaurants we all have to be Good waiters. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. A Modern Twentieth Century Hotel HOTEL IMPERIAL Broadway at 31st and 32d Streets, New York City ‘OR convenience of location—one block from Pennsylvania Station, within six minutes of new Grand Central Terminal, convenient to the 32d Street Station of the Hudson River Tubes (just across the street), also to the new Shopping district and Theatres sin moderate rates, yet offer Imperial cannot be excelled. RATES: Rooms with use of bath, $2.00 and ap. ROBERT STAFFORD, Proprietor nent to cater to the comfort of its guests tmost in service and comfort, Hotel Rooms with connecting private bath, $2.50 and g COPELAND TOWNSEND, M: comicbooks.com