Judge — June 14, 1913 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Fatal Romance of a Living Skeleton By CURTIS DUNHAM I. HIS PAINFUL PASSION A GIANTESS built on the adipose plan (Fat Lady, the Ballyhoo dubbed ber) was queen of the road in the Freaks’ Caravan, and eke of the heart of the os- sified man—who really ought to have snubbed her; for a heart that’s more brittle please name, if you can, than the petrified heart of an ossified man, The fat lady, too, loved her skeleton swain, but had to dissemble her passion; ber slightest caress meant such cardiac pain that inside and out he would rattle again in a most apprehensible fashion. Her kiss with emotion near rent him in twain—and yet she would wed with her calcified swain! MN. LOVE WILL FIND A WAY When fat ladies love, then will fat find a way, as surely as soap’s in soap bub- bles. “A little of mine,’’ she said, ‘taken each day, I never would miss, and if put on to stay would end your ossiferous troubles. ’” So ‘flesh food’ for him was the ob- vious way; for her, ‘‘anti-fat,’’ in the way of fair play. One bottle, two bottles, three bottles and then? Every freak in the caravan wondered: “Is fat now the fashion for petrified men? Should corpulent dames be as spry asawren?”’ Said the manager, ‘‘Some one has blun- dered. Some hocus or pocus is on the job when fat ladies slop over on ossified men!'? Ml. A SCURVY STRATAGEM So grave was the matter, the manager sought a sapient freak, named Fra Hub- bard, who said, “Passing strange you should be so dis- traught, when, as bones are in question, you must have been taught that my an- eestress looked in her cupboard.”’ “In both of their cupboards,’’ the manager thought, ‘‘I’ll find the dire cause of the damage they’ve wrought.’” oe «© © © 6 6 “Both traitors!’’ the manager cried. “Think of that! The whole show is queered, and I'll chuck it! What's the use, with a skeleton sleek as a rat and a fat lady taking the shape of a slat, gorg- ing nostrums they buy by the bucket? But, stay! For the skeleton, here’s ‘anti-fat’; for the fat lady, ‘flesh food’! Tguess I'll stand pat!” IV. THE FATAL DENOUEMENT One bucket, two buckets, three buckets what next? (How the plot would have Pleased Machiavelli!) Visibly swelling, the fat one was vexed, and the ossified man, too, was plainly perplexed, for his spine again clove to his belly. “Big business!’’ once more was the “Every pipe’s a jimmy pipe if it's packed with B.A.” No speed limit to |P. A. joy smokin’ Says the Squire : “There isn’t any law against joy smoking providing your old jimmy pipe is tamped down with P. A, “Fine? Why, smoking those tongue-broiling brands is penalty enough for anyone who hasn’t switched yet to PRINCE ALBERT the national joy smoke “Why, if I could impose sentence on every unconverted pipe fan, I’d say, ‘30 days on P. A.,’and I reckon there wouldn’t be any appeals after the first whiff.” P. A. can’t bite your tongue, can’t parch your throat. patented process. Patented—get that? No one else can use it. P.A. in the toppy red bags, Sc, or tidy red tins, 10¢; poageia or half-pound humidors, Sold everywhere. R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY Winston-Salem, N.C, manager’s text—but the skeleton shrieked when his heartstrings he flexed. o © © © «© «6 The fatal denouement all men must deplore, as the Freaks’ Caravan soon de- plored it: The fat lady melted and ran through the floor, and the skeleton’s frag- ments were swept through the door—and the floor and the door both ignored it. But, later, this legend both floor and door bore: EPITAPH Flesh food’s not good for the fat lady clan, Nor yet anti-fat for the ossified man. The End He thought her swell, And all of that, Until she called A yacht a “‘yat.’? Time's Changes Mrs. Gramercy—You can’t judge a man by what he was before you married him, Mrs. Park—Indeed you can't! My husband used to spend the evenings with me. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. comicbooks.com All the flare-back has oeen removed by a