Judge, 1913-02-01 · page 6 of 24
Judge — February 1, 1913 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous story using automobile terminology as extended metaphor for romance and courtship. The narrator, Wayne, describes meeting and falling for a woman at a ball, but every aspect of their interaction is described using car mechanics language: her "Body," "Speedometer" eyes, "Ball Bearing," "Steering Arm," "Elastic Tread," and "Internal Combustion Engines" (for love). The joke relies on the 1913 reader's familiarity with new automotive technology—then cutting-edge and widely discussed. By treating romantic attraction as mechanical engineering, the satire gently mocks both the era's obsession with automobiles and the mechanical, calculated nature of courtship rituals among the upper classes (the ball setting suggests wealth). The accompanying cartoon panels above satirize 1913 car "features" marketed to women, implying that even vehicles are being promoted with frivolous gendered appeals ("Any woman can run one").
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Left-hand drive. SOME An <6] IKE to know how an old Eccentric like yours truly got a wife, would you? It’s none of your business, but I'll divulge, anyhow.’’ Thus said Wayne, who lives, moves and has his being in the automobile business. “The Burke-Ballowigs were having a coming-out ball for that little Siren they call Ilva. They needed an extra Crank to Safe-Guard the wall flowers, so asked me. I didn’t care a Pin Hook about it, but went, to be obliging. Have been convinced ever since that virtue is truly its own reward. For, just after I had given the receiving group the formal Cold-Chisel hand Clutch, I was introduced to Her. She had a long, graceful, straight-lined Body. Her eyes were like the Sapphires in my new Speedometer. She had a throat like a Polished Column, wore her hair in two shining gold Coils (without any Bush- ing), had straight white teeth, and her Ball Bearing was superb! Automobile Nickel trimming. Easy to control. Any woman can run one. 1913 MOTOR-CAR FEATURES ; LIDA KECK WIGGINS. “She put me down for a waltz, and I assure you I felt that my dance was going to be the Feature Event on the Long Card. My head was a Vacuum so far as any other partner went, so I sat down and waited. Once she gave me a flash of a smile as she whirled by. I had to go out to the dining-room after that, where the Continual Feed Splash was working, and take a drink of Punch to cool my blood. **When I went to claim my dance, she immediately yielded her graceful Frame to my Steering Arm, and we began to Raceabout the Floor Boards to a Quick Action tune. My heart was in her Mesh from the first, and it would have re- quired a Steel Sleeve to have kept her from knowing how I trembled. I never saw such an Elastic Tread as hers, and you could not Tire her. I soon learned, too, from her conversation, that there was not any society Veneer about her. I had always believed my heart to be Courtship. one of my Case Hardened Parts, but it grew as soft as a Cushion stuffed with Curled Hair when she danced near it. The Horizontal Bar at her throat blazed with diamonds, but they were dull when compared with the Jewel of her face. At last the music stopped (it always does in this world!) and I had to relin- quish her. I had managed, however, to get her promise to let me take her home. I had never had the faintest idea before that evening what a Device love is to start the Internal Combustion Engines. I was hot and cold by turns. My blood raced at Maximum Speed, and my teeth got a Chattering Action. Once I went to get a cup of coffee for one of the el- derly chaperons. I found that I was a regular Plunger on my feet. When I got nearly to her, I fell over Two Laps and Made Things Interesting In the Third. The bill I got next day for ‘one ruined charmeuse gown’ was worse than a road shock; but that’s another story. comicbooks.com