Judge, 1912-12-21 · page 13 of 24
Judge — December 21, 1912 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This story satirizes marital dynamics and consumer culture in the early 1900s. Mr. Tompkins discovers his wife ordered him expensive, poor-quality cigars ("stinkarees") as a Christmas gift. He cunningly instructs the cigar seller to substitute cheap Havana cigars instead, paying the difference himself while keeping it secret from Mrs. Tompkins. On Christmas, he openly praises the cigars, and Mrs. Tompkins takes credit for the thoughtful gift. The joke's payoff occurs when she smugly declares that men who claim women don't understand cigars are wrong—unaware her husband has deceived her. The accompanying verses mock gift-giving excess (wealthy children receiving entire railroad systems) and satirize gender roles: women as holiday shoppers who guide male purchases, while men are "guyed" (ridiculed) by female shopping decisions. The humor relies on the assumption that wives lack judgment about male pleasures like cigars, though ironically she chose well—just unknowingly.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Tompkins’s Christmas Cigars. By IRVING DILLON. 6sT,°XCUSE me,’’ began the visitor, who was more or less visibly embarrassed; ‘‘but—my name is Tompkins! Er—did—er—my wife —er—leave an order here for cigars, to be delivered to my home on—er— Christmas Eve?"’ “Tompkins?”’ said the cigar man. “Just one minute! D. B. Tompkins? Yes, sir. One hundred flor de Hobok- ianos! Price, $2.50! Ordered banded in red and gold and a card inclosed, with the felicitations of Mrs. D. B. Tompkins!’’ ‘Exactly! Well, I’m D. B. Tomp- kins. Now, I'll tell you what I'd like you todo. You take those red- and-gold-banded stinkarees my wife ordered and hand them to some fire- works man to be utilized as punk along about the Fourth of next July. Use the box thus provided for a hundred good, clear Havanas at about WENT HIM BETTER. Millionaire's sog—‘' Look! Santa Claus brought me a new railroad for Christmas."” Multi millionatre’s son—'‘ That's nothing! He bought me a whole new railroad system." $9.50. I'll pay the difference! Understand? And in the meantime—mum—‘M-U-M’—is the word! Do you get me?” “I’m wise in a second!’’ re- plied the cigar man. ‘‘What you want me to do is to take the pres- ent incumbents of the box or- dered by Mrs. Tompkins out on the hillside somewhere and bury them deep down in the yawning sod. In their places you want a practical smoking cigar of the kind that is usually sold without an accident policy! And you stand ready to pay the difference! back and received his change. The cigar man smiled appreci- atively. On Christmas Day Tompkins opened the box and abstracted therefrom a good, big, black Ha- vana, “You seem to enjoy that ci- gar,’’ suggested Mrs. Tompkins, as he blew rings of soft blue curl- ing smoke at the chandelier. “Enjoy them?’’ echoed Tomp- kins. ‘‘Why, they’re simply de- licious!"’ Mrs. Tompkins purred her de- light at this wholly unexpected tribute. HER FATHER'S FOOTSTEP. Man's inhumanity to man “And yet,’’ said she musingly, “there are men who are mean enough to say that a woman does- n’t know anything about buying cigars!"’ His Work Cut Out. If Santa Claus is, as they state, A good old saint who’s up to date, This year, his record to maintain, He'll have to use an aeroplane. We Wonder. “*Paw-uh’’. “Well, my son?’” “Paw, how can anybody have boils and faith in prayer at the same time?"’ Sizing Him Up. “*Half-witted,’’ young Noodle was called by some, Since of genius he'd shown no spark; While others allowed that half was too high— A quarter was nearer the mark. At this time of year a woman is usually a shopper guide among men; a man is a shopper guyed among women, comicbooks.com