Judge, 1912-08-10 · page 10 of 24
Judge — August 10, 1912 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This humorous story satirizes the late 19th-century American epidemic of social clubs. The unnamed protagonist recounts how village social life became dominated by clubs—Farmers' Club, Housewives' Club, Glee Club, and notably the "Bachelors' Club" for rejected men. The joke centers on the Bachelors' Club's cruel irony: to join, one must be rejected by a woman. To qualify, our hero must propose to Salina Briggs, his childhood nemesis, confident she'll refuse. The satire mocks both the pretentiousness of exclusionary club culture and the narrator's misguided strategy based on mutual contempt. The two accompanying illustrations show "Before" and "After" scenarios involving a serenader—likely depicting the romantic complications that ensue, suggesting his plan backfires when the woman accepts his proposal. The page critiques how clubs had become social obsessions that dominated small-town life and drove absurd, consequence-filled behavior.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE SERENADER. When Clubs Were Trumps. HE LOOKED like a gentleman gone to seed. Though patched and frayed as to clothing, he was immaculate both in dress and person. He sat upon the kitchen doorstep, shelling peas. His expression betokened reconciled de- spair. “Be so kind,’’ he said meekly but em- phatically, ‘‘as not to utter the word elub to me, sir. The inducements that could tempt me to join any kind of asso- ciation whatever do not exist.’’ Before saying more, he glanced appre- hensively over his shoulder. Then he explained in a low tone, “To clubs are due all my misfor- tunes; and I endure sufficient, I as- sure you. When I was a young man —and that seemscenturies ago—this village passed through an epidemic of clubs. How or why the pestilence broke out, no one knows. But sud- denly every one was forming them, joining them, canvassing for them. There was the Farmers’ Club, the Housewives’ Club, the Card Club, the Glee Club and a score of others. Every organization had its ba!ze, and some of my neighbors proudly wore five or six. “At that time I was just young enough to know all about life,» 'I was certain that it offered no prize By BEECH HILTON. like personal liberty. Consequently I was a confirmed bachelor—and rather prone to boast of it, I fear. My associ- ates were all young men who proclaimed loudly that they scorned the female sex. Each had been most cruelly rejected by some false-hearted charmer, and when they organized the Bachelors’ Club the receipt of one rejection at least was made a qualification for membership. I was eager to join, but this excluded me. “**Isn't there a way to get around the rule?’ I asked Lon Pendleton, president. PICKED UP ON THE WAY. Professor Snooks—'' Aba! your absent-minded husband didn't forget to bring home his umbrella this time. Hu cwife—"' But, Henry, when you left home you did not have one."* See?" “**No,’ he replied. ‘We mustn't begin that way. Don’t try to get around it— just qualify.’ ***Propose to some one?’ “***Certainly.’ “**Suppose I am accepted?’ ““*You needn't be afraid of that,’ he replied; then, noticing my look, lamely added, ‘Select some one who doesn’t like you, I mean.’ “That was easily done. Salina Briggs and I had been sworn enemies since we went barefoot to the district school. She was bigger than the teacher then, and I called her Jumbo. She retaliated by calling me Whiffet. The years that had added to her bulk and coarseness had left me undersized, but a gentleman and (hem!) a scholar."” He sent a quick, sensitive glance into my eyes, and I bowed gravely. “Whenever we chanced to pass on the street, she would make some audible remark about me, to raise the laughter of the congenial friends around her; and her vulgar laugh would rise above them all and follow me farthest. “Loathing her as I did, nothing except my great desire to join the Bachelors’ Club could have made , me address her—let alone upon such comicbooks.com