Judge, 1912-07-27 · page 9 of 24
Judge — July 27, 1912 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous faux-educational essay mocking the earnest, pseudo-scientific tone of natural history textbooks. The author (credited as Carleton G. Garreton) uses absurdist logic to "explain" dog breeds through ridiculous pseudo-etymology and fabricated origin stories. Key satirical points: - The dachshund's elongated body is jokingly compared to the Brooklyn Bridge (a contemporary marvel) - Its name supposedly means "animated frankfurter" - Bulldogs' short legs allegedly resulted from Noah disliking their ancestor and refusing them ark passage, causing a long swim that gave them rheumatism - Bulldogs' bored expressions are attributed to "long residence in Boston" - The closing joke about distinguishing mad dogs by letting them bite you exemplifies the absurdist humor throughout The accompanying illustrations show various dogs and exotic animals in museum/display settings. The satire targets the pretentious scientific certainty of educational materials while poking fun at dog breed characteristics and Boston society.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
UNNATURAL HISTORY LESSONS T E DOG is a carnivorous quadruped, and comes in many sizes and shapes. His name is derived from the Latin word ‘‘Canis,’’ meaning ‘‘Dog.’’ We would start with the greyhound, but we are afraid we cannot keep up with him, as he is a very rapid old dog. In- stead, let us discuss the dachshund. The dachshund, a German creation, is a crazy-looking specimen of a dog. His mane, translated, means ‘‘animated frankfurter.’’ He has the longest span between abutments of anything known to man except the Brooklyn Bridge. Pat him on the head and he will wiggle his tail five minutes later. Dachshunds do not thrive in small flats. That is because going out of one door of a room they often meet them- selves coming in another, and the frequent collisions cause softening of the brain. A bulldog is a fat, bow- legged creature with a painful-looking face. The short- ness of his limbs is due to the fact that Noah so disliked the looks of his original ancestor that he refused to admit him to the ark, and his long swim to Ararat caused rheumatism, which drew the legs to their present size. His bored and blase expression is attributed to his long residence in Boston. Dogs sometimes take a strong aversion to water, so that the mere mention of it makes them mad. You can tell when a dog is mad by letting him bite you. If the bite causes no trouble you will know that the dog was only acting in a spirit of fun. A mad dog should not associate with children, as it annoys and irritates them. — Carleton G. Garretan. wees HR at comicbooks.com