Judge — June 8, 1912 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Railroad of Life. T! ERE are humorists among railroad stations are Nervous Frenzy, Lunch, shape our routes for us with infinite ex- men. And they are real humor- Headache, Quitting Time, Extra Work actitude, only to have us leave the main ists, with that ripe and mellow touch and Restless Slumber. The Home- line. Sometimes switching will get that some of the lighter-brained in the makers’ Accommodation ‘‘is a one-way us back to the right line, but often we profession never can show. One of the cleverest of railroad hu- morists is J. N. Stewart, advertising manager of the Northern Pacific Rail- way; and Jupce gives him and his line advertisement by virtue of Mr. Stewart’s unique idea in mapping *'The Railroad of Life’’ and charac- terizing its many stations. This railroad, as he says, you will travel but once, and thus he advises the wayfarer to see it well as he goes. ‘‘Consult guide books,’’ says he, ‘‘take a grip full of perseverance, and enjoy yourself; but be moderate. Don’t go through without stopping. You can stop over at pleasure and enjoy life’s scenery.”* On the ‘Prosperity Limited’’ you will have a place if you speak for it early and don’t fail to catch it. Don’t get off at intermediate sta- tions,’’ is the advice, for you might get left. The times are Now, Pretty Soon, A Little Later, A Short While, By and By, Second Wind and When You Least Expect It; and the sta- tions are Anticipation, Disappoint- ment, Renewed Effort, Some Results, More Results and Success. The cau- tion is, ‘This train does not carry passengers in the reverse direction, for nobody wants to go that way.’’ Mr. Stewart has also scheduled a Business Express, a Homemakers’ Ac- commodation, a Schoolboy’s Local, My Lady’s Gown Limited and a Gardeners’ Special. On the Business Express the ATTRACTIVE. Mr. Duck—* Gee! That soubrette in green tights looks good enough to eat."” neat DETOND ¢ trip, but many make it several times. The stations on the Schoolboy’s Special are Delinquent, Hookey, Fishing, Tardy and all the rest that occur in a memory of youth, interrupted by Measles and ending with Hookey and Bliss. One may imagine some of the stations of My Lady's Gown Limited, beginning with Spring Fashions and See Dressmaker, and running through Home Disorganized, First Fitting, Grief and Tears, Refitted, More Tears, to Disappointment and Dad Pays the Bill. The Gardeners’ Special is ‘‘a trip full of happy anticipation that may be realized, but don’t count on it.’” It starts at Seed Catalogue and ends at One Wormy Radish. ‘‘Life,’’ says the compiler, ‘‘is a short road. Our parents start us and boost us for a while (unless they are rich, in which event they boost us much longer). We all hit the pike with high ideals—many of them too high for the tunnels—and then we get bumped. Some fond mammas doggedly pursue our own course and land at a Final Destination of our own selection, remote from the pa- rental desire.'’ A map of the line is here reproduced. It amuses, and salts amusement with thought. The Suburban Obsession. The grass! I have to cut the grass! Amid the host of cheerless things That make the round of country life, This is the cheerlessest, by Jings! I have the Jacqueminots to spray, The hedge to clip—nay, do not scoff- The beans to pole, the pease to hoe; And when I plan an evening off It rains and rains and rains, and then T have to cut the grass again! But there will come a time all right, In some far summer ere I pass, When, bent beneath the weight of years, I shall not have to cut the grass, And if at last the summons be Not to some verdant realm of bliss, But to a dry and bladeless bourne, A hotter suburb e’en than t! (They say there’s one!) why, bah! and tut! At least there'll be no grass to cut! Edward W. Barnard, A SURE SIG) Madge—‘*What makes you think that your doctor isn’t up to date?” Marjorie—''l judge by the papers and magazines he keeps on the table in his reception-room."” MM ee. PRS AY a That” THE AEROPLANE SIGN BOARD. ‘We will have to have them soon. comicbooks.com