Judge, 1912-03-16 · page 9 of 23
Judge — March 16, 1912 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This story satirizes early-20th-century sales culture and rural America's skepticism toward newfangled technology. Salesman J. Benjamin Boggs attempts to sell farmer Mr. Squires a Model T airplane—not for actual flying, but as a status symbol and "household necessity." The joke: The airplane's real value isn't utility but *publicity*—being photographed as the first airplane owner in the county, impressing city relatives. When Squires objects to the $600 price, Boggs pivots brilliantly, marketing the aircraft's *parts* as practical farm equipment: detachable wings become hayrack covers, the steering wheel converts to a wheelbarrow, the seat becomes a porch swing. The satire mocks both aggressive American salesmanship and rural resistance to modernity. Side panels offer additional jokes about impractical desires ("meat without bone, fat, or gristle") and ironic observations. The humor relies on the absurdity of selling something explicitly built "not for use, but for utility"—pure appearance over function.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A Household Necessity. By DONALD A KABN. ““ R. SQUIRES?” The farmer admitted his iden- tity. “Mr. Squires,’’ began the salesman impressively, ‘Mr. Squires, Boggs is my name—J. Benjamin Boggs. I rep- resent the Anyold Aeroplane Manufac- turing Company.’’ Mr. Squires arose from his seat pro- testingly. ‘‘You haven’t got anything against me,’’ said he. ‘‘I ain’t shot up no skyrockets, an’ I ain’t permitted my boys to fly no kites. I ain’t trespassed on your property. You own the air, THE ONLY WAY. “*T want a piece of meat without any bone, fat, or gristle."’ for that purpose.” “Ye 'd better buy an egg, mum." but I'm sure I gotta right to breathe if’’—-— “No, no, Mr. Squires!'’ Boggs assured the farmer soothingly. “*You're mistaking me for the Air Corporation, Unlimited. I am here as the sales representative of the Anyold Aeroplane Company. I have come to interest you in our Model T airship—the machine that’s equipped with the famous Olio engine—the kind with the sleeve valve—no timing gears, cams, or valve stems to bother with. Open the throttle and away she flies. Now, this aeroplane does away with’’—— “Hold on!’? interrupted’ Mr. Squires. ‘‘I don’t want to buy no aeroplane. My old limmyzine is in good condition yet, and terry firmy is good enough for Mandy and me for a while yet, I reckon. No, young man, 'tain’t no use. I'd be skeered to venture up in one of them things.’’ “You don’t get me,’” objected the salesman. “*You buy this machine for six hundred dollars. We throw in an air license from the Air Corporation. You purchase the machine and the local newspaper NOT GOOD FOR WHAT AILED HIM Friend—"* What's the matter, old man, don't you feel right ?"” Chronic dyspeptic—" No; 1 just ate a meal that agreed with me."’ gives you at least a column of free publicity. You're the first owner of an aeroplane in Praps County. You have a picture taken of self and family about to start on a mile-high journey—great souvenir for the parlor album and to send nephew in the city! Show him you’re up to date, even though you do live on a rural route. Of course you don’t fly in the machine—it wasn’t built Mr. Squires objected. ‘‘I can’t pay six hundred dollars jest for a orna- ment,’’ said he. “Ah!"?” The salesman beamed. “‘That’s the beauty of our machine. It was built, not for use, but for utility. Look!’” He drew from his pocket a blue print of his product. “Here you've got detachable canvas wings. Use ’em to cover the hayrack in rainy’ weather, or they make good stable blankets. Here you’ve got the steering wheel. It will make over into a first-class wheelbarrow. Here you've got the patent detachable seat. A little tinkering with a hatchet and saw will convert this into a comfortable porch swing. This Olio motor runs the feed chopper, grist mill, churn, meat OBVIOUS. Husband (who has been reading about a scandal in high life) —‘ Well, Maria, we may be poor, but at least there are no ‘skeletons in our family."” comicbooks.com