Judge, 1911-12-30 · page 7 of 25
Judge — December 30, 1911 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
**The Main Cartoon:** Titled "Sporting News," the top illustration depicts Death (a skeletal figure with a scythe) listening to a gramophone. The caption "A new record for Time—all former records broken" suggests dark humor about mortality—Death is enjoying records about breaking time records, a macabre pun on the gramophone's function. **"Primary Lessons in Geography":** This is satirical educational content by Carleton G. Garretson. The "lesson" on oceans uses absurdist humor—claiming oceans are "useless," that their blueness comes from bars getting "broke," and that the deepest spot is "near Denmark" while the "wettest spot is Atlantic City." It mocks both overly simplified geography instruction and contemporary social attitudes, including implied commentary on naval spending and coastal commercialism. **The Small Jokes Below:** Include wordplay like "buried the hatpin" (instead of "hatchet") and automobile humor typical of the era. The page exemplifies Judge's satirical style: intellectual humor mixing political critique with absurdist comedy.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
SPORTING NEWS. A new record for Time—all former records broken. Primary Lessons in Geography. OCEANS. CEANS are a vast waste of high- ly seasoned water, which keeps three-fifths of the globe out of the hands of real-estate agents. They are utilized by bathers, steamship lines, fish, and poets; but outside of that they are of little benefit to mankind. They firat came into prominence when they were referred to by a writer of verse, who called them ‘‘ Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.” Conditions have changed, however, since this defi- nition of them was concocted, as drinks are now served on all oceans, The theory that the ocean is blue on account of the bluefish that inhabit it has been exploded by eminent scientists, who insist that its blueness is due to the fact that when it reaches the shore with a roll it immediately strikes the bars and gets broke. The oceans are a cause of great ex- pense to our government, which is attempting to fill them up with CARLETON G. GARRETSON, Instructor. warships, torpedo boats, and other kinds of useless and expensive material. Many strange things are taken from the oceans. Pearls, devices used to help keep the unearned increment in circula- tion, are found there, but not in sub- marine mines, as one might think. Lobsters, one of our greatest sources of “OH, WHAT'S THE USE?” income, amusement, and indigestion, are found both in and out of the ocean. They are green and raw when discov- ered, and turn red when they are roasted. An ocean voyage has a strange effect on some people. Though regular tight- wads on shore, they are often ready and willing to give up everything when they come in contact with the generous ocean swells. Light housekeeping is carried on extensively all along the shore, also many other aquatic pastimes. The deepest spot on the ocean is near Denmark, the driest spot is Asbury Park, and the wet- test spot is Atlantic City. Now you know as much about the ocean as it is really safe for you to know. The class is dismissed. Instead of the Hatchet. Ella—‘Are you and Bella friendly now?” Stella—*Yes; we have buried the hatpin.’’ The best of autos, run by men, Miss a spark or two now and then. comicbooks.com