Judge — December 23, 1911 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Benedict. The Bachelor. “TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.” Christmas—What and Why. HRISTMAS is by far the most seri- ous holiday of the year. It was in vented by the Retail Merchants’ Federa- tion as a means of affording an outlet for their shopworn and returned miscell- any. It is supposed to be a season of joy, but to the man behind the checkbook it re- sembles a toothache, in that the only real joy connected with it comes when it is entirely over. Its greatest value lies in the fact that it gives you an opportunity to compare your taste with that of your relatives and friends, to their serious detriment. Christmas is a boon as a means of education. One would never By CARLETON G. GARRETSON. know of the existence of millions of curious and obsolete brands of cigars, neckties, haberdashery receptacles, and literature were it not for this annual period of scientific research. The first symptoms of Christmas ap- pear weeks beforehand. Elevator boys become docile and in some cases actually obliging, employes suddenly grow anx- ious to earn at least a portion of their salary, children show an alarming inter- est in Sunday-school work and a startling willingness to mind their parents, em- ployers noisily shed tears at the discov- ery that adverse business conditions will make it impossible for them to place extra five-spots in their employes’ envel- opes this year, and wives make a Mara- thon run on husbands’ bank accounts, resulting in intense suffering and occa- sional eruptions. Poets and humorous paragraphers break the union time schedule, and manuscript goes and comes at a furious rate, decreasing the author's bank roll and the postal deficit. You can tell when the great day dawns by looking at the calendar. The date is printed in red. There is a movement on foot among the Ultimate Fund Furnish- ers to change this custom, having the comicbooks.com