Judge — December 9, 1911 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Old Scrooge’s Christmas Carol. By WALLACE IRWIN. HRISTMAS chimes, Christmas chimes! Comes a thought unhandsome— Where the deuce to raise the dimes To, buy the yearly ransom? Down the list extensive Everything’s expensive— Dang-ding! Goodness knows, I’ve not a Dollar—haven’t got a Dang thing! Dang-ding! Anguish fills each muscle. Ding-dong! something's wrong! Guess I’ll have to hustle! Christmas bells, Christmas bells! Postmen, ashmen, bell boys—- Right and left the graft outswells— Hear their greedy yell, boys! Switchboard operator, Man on elevator— Dun-dun !— Look with faces haunting, Showing that they're wanting Mon-mon! Dun-dun! I'm a slave to sorrow! Ding-dong! something’s wrong! Guess I'll have to borrow! Christmas nerve, Christmas nerve! Now’s the yearly pay-day! All the foxy folk who serve Find in Yule their heyday. All their service rotten Now must be forgotten. Tip-tip! Right hand scarcely knoweth What the left bestoweth! Swift slip! Tip-tip! Guess I'd better take a Swift ship, ocean trip Off to far Jamaica! Christmas stuff, Christmas stuff Passed between relations! Each one, knowing it’s a bluff, Pays his obligations. Bulky-looking packets Full of smoking jackets— Dang-ding! Books that no one reads, sir, ‘Trifles no one needs, sir— Dang thing! Dang-ding! When the farce so huge is, Bim-bo! then I know How sensible Old Sc.ooge is! At Bedtime. Little girl—*What’d you get fer Christmas? Little boy—"‘A lot 0’ toys, an engine, whole lots of candy, nuts, an’ cake, an’ a dose of castor oil."” Inevitable. ‘By C. LESLIE VAN EVERY. Nearly all of my relation Early bring anticipation. Christmas gifts they promise me Keep me thinking, don’t you see? Till the day arrives, and then It'll pan out just like when, Eagerly, last year, my eyes Spied —about nineteen — — Christmas Gab on Christmas Gifts. CBRISTMAS comes but once a year— which is no grievance to the girls behind the counter. As if they weren’t enough indebted to the postman already, folks give him Christmas cigars. A man ought to be satisfied with the present his wife gives him, un- less it’s triplets. Triplets ought to make him more than satisfied. And when a man comes out along about January 2d sporting new cravats, 's no sign that he’s growing extravagant. Funny thing, but it’s just the people who don’t need Christmas gifts who get them. 'Tis more blessed to give than to receive—lots of things. If Santa could hear the talk morning after, chances are that he'd resign his job. The child who wants a candy cane and gets a new suit of clothes instead must think that St. Nicholas is a stingy sort of individual. When mother gives Johnny a pair of pink suspenders in lieu of the usual red mittens, it ought to be happy proof to him that at last he’s reached manhood. 'Tisn’t always the largest tree that carries the most cheer. You can tie a necktie around a man’s neck, but you can’t make him wear it. And mother—she gets the Christ- mas dishes to wash,—Denald A. Kahn. A Purple Thought. NEVER saw a Santa Claus, I never hope to see one; But from the way kids act to-day, Dissatisfied with presents gay, No matter what the grand array, I'd rather see than be one. dee Cone Madge—‘‘Are you going to an- nounce your engagement at once?"’ Marjorie—‘‘Gracious, no! Not until after Christmas. I'm afraid it would scare off a lot of presents.’”