Judge — September 16, 1911 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A CIGAR BAND. A Suggestion. HE TROUBLE with the motor horn of the hour is that it is either peremptory or sug- gestive of a man suffering from an acute attack of seasickness,’’ said the Genial Philoso- Pher. ‘*I am not among those who con- demn all motorists for the bad manners of the few, and I always feel like say- ing a good word for a much-abused class of individuals, who, as a rule, are courteous, charming people; but for the motor horn I cannot as- sume the role of the apologist. It is frankly rude and disgusting. I heardone theother night out in the park which gave me the unpleasant impression that somebody some- where had dined not wisely but too well, and it seem- ed to me a rank indecency to ob- trude so offensive a noise upon the still watches of the night in so ro- mantic a spot. And it is all so unnecessary in these days, when gutta-percha rec- ords are so cheap that any man who can afford a motor ought to be able “*A honk is a honk,’’ said Little Binks, “and I don’t see what you can do to change it."’ “But why must a honk be chosen for the purpose?” persisted the Genial Phi- losopher. ‘‘For my part, when I get my car, I am going to arrange to have a megaphonic talking machine placed on the front of it, just over the crank shaft, that will sing the jewel song from ‘Faust,’ with Madam Melba in the role, as I pass through the park. All those wondrous trills and thrills would imme- diately arrest the attention of the pass- ers-by and hold them spellbound and in safety. For long stretches on the coun- try roads, I shall have a rendering of those wonderful Walkyrie ahoys, done perhaps by Madam Nordica, as Brun- hilde, to announce the fact that I am coming.’” “That sounds good,’’ said Little Binks, ‘‘but in action I am afraid you would find they did not work. What you want todo is to get people out of the way, not to attract them to you; and your scheme, instead of sending the traveler fleeing on his way, would make him pause and flock in your direction, enchanted even as were the rats by the musical efforts of the Pied Piper of Hamelin.” “Oh, well, if that were to happen, ’ said the Genial Philosopher, ‘‘I should have a counter-irritant which would drive them off’’—— ‘*Yes—the despised honk and gurgling eructation of the present horn,’’ said Little Binks. “Not at all,”’ said the Genial Philoso- pher. ‘‘I should have one of La Fol- lette’s speeches canned and blow all ob- stacles from the track with the majestic swoop of one fell paragraph."’ Just So. BACK fence is the shortest dis- His Only Choice. «YVOU must give up cigars,’ Anna, “Or I can never be your bride.’’ Jack pondered, lit a fresh Havana, And threw the match aside. Eugene C. Dalven, The Infant Scheme. Knicker—‘How early does a baby walk?”’ Bocker—‘‘Up to about six p.m. They make their parents do it for them after that.'"” said PROF. XY WHiISTO} a | 7 TT] | | FAY One tance between two gossips. You can buy a title for your daughter, but you can’t make it fit. to afford a warn- ing signal that has charm. MOW A LADY MAY TRIM HER HAT IF SHE HAS CONSCIEN- TIOUS SCRUPLES AGAINST. WEARING FEATHERS, BIRD MAGIC. The empty hat trick. comicbooks.com