Judge, 1911-07-22 · page 12 of 24
Judge — July 22, 1911 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* (a major American satirical magazine) contains three distinct sections: **"Gee! I Certainly Love That Gal"** (top): A poem by Arthur Bowen illustrated with five circular vignettes. Each verse uses the "If I were..." formula to humorously declare that no matter a man's power or wealth—king, hermit, millionaire, beggar, or sailor—he'd abandon it all to gaze at his beloved's physical features (hair, feet, eyes, nose, mouth). The satire targets romantic sentimentality and male susceptibility to female beauty, mocking overwrought declarations of love. **"Responsive to Treatment"** (middle): A brief humorous anecdote about Bilkins' donkey producing strange groaning sounds. The punchline: the animal has learned that groaning brings Scotch whiskey, so it repeats the behavior daily for reward. The satire mocks habit-forming substance use. **Miscellaneous quips** (right): Brief one-liners satirizing gender dynamics ("If Women Voted"), male bluffing behavior, and everyday observations about judgment and character. Overall, the page reflects early 20th-century American humor emphasizing romantic foolishness, drinking culture, and gender stereotypes.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
GEE! I 1. If I were a king with the care of a state, The load of an empire to t. I'd let the prime do all the work, And gaze at your beauti- ful hair. and Ican, With patches and rips in my clothes, Texpect I'd forget my in- ward distress, And think of your cate Tittle nose. HERE were unmistakable gre coming from underneath the Bil- kins library window, and Dobson, who was spending a week-end on the Bilkins farm, upon investigation of the blood- curdling sounds, discovered that they were coming from the Bilkins donkey, a gray-haired old rep- robate belonging to the consuming rath- er than the produc- ing class. The beast was standing out onthe lawn emit- ting the most stri- dent sounds, “What the dick- ens is the matter with that donkey of yours, Bilkins? Is he sick?"’ asked Dobson, gazing at the animal with an expression of min- gled contempt and pity. “No, he isn’t sick,’’ said Bilkins. “Why on earth should you think he was sick?" “Why, groaning 1 der out the Dobson, ‘*He does- n't do that just for fun, does he?’’ he's e thun- "said ARTHUR BOWEN If T were a hermit as wise as an owl, And lived in a mountain retreat, I'd sublet my cave and come on into town, To gaze at your beanti- ful feet Responsive to Treatment. “Oh, that’s it, eh?’’ laughed Bilkins, “Well, don’t you worry. He You s six weeks ago, when we first just about this time of the had an attack of the colic, came dow morning h and having nothing else to dose him with I gave him a tumblerful of Scotch NOT VINDICTIVE. She—"' If you don't like my cake, why don't you throw it overboard ? He—"* Why should 1? I have nothing against the fish."* CERTAINLY LOVE THAT GAL. 1 If I were a Morgan with millions of gold, And stocks going up to the skies, Td sell out and put the whole business in bonds, And gaze at your beauti- fal eyes. v. If were a sailor afar out at sca, I'd call up the wind from the south, And roll into port, where U think I might steal A kiss {rom your beautiful mosth, whiskey, and the little cuss has come x under my window at this time of y every morning since. He gets over it after a few ineffectual spasms."" groani ANAMA hats this season are worn with a canal crown, He'll Take Him Up. THe MAN that g goes around with a wad of mon- ey making a bluff that he wants to bet and can’t get any one to take him up can get accom- modated by enter- ing any downtown office building and telling that bluff to the elevator boy. If Women Voted “ HAT do you think would happen if women voted?"” “The man would run ahead of his ticket. every time."" handsome ANY a good board walk 1 judged by one rot- ten plank. comicbooks.com