Judge — April 1, 1911 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE FUTURE SERVANT PROBLEM “* Begorra, aither they invents some way t’ shoot groceries up here wid a gun, or Oi 'm goin’ back V the city t wurruk.”” Are You Well Informed ? by ELLIS 0. JONES. NY ONE answering the follow- ing questions correctly may consider himself or herself cultured. Who was the first Peloppe- nesus? Who traded his Mesopotamia? What was the date of the Delaware Gap? Bound Themistocles and name its trib- utaries, Whom did Aquiline marry and how many children did they have? birthright for a Compliment Implied. Lord de Broke—‘Angela, my queen! your hands!” Are they See, I leave my fortunes Angela—‘‘You flatterer! really so small?” THE COMPLETE LETTER WRITER. By ELLIS PARKER BUTLER, Author of“ Pres by Pigs.” L Letter from an Old Gent Who Has Just Kicked ‘a Brick to the Youth That Placed the Brick Under the Hat. New York, April 1st, 1911. M* DEAR Grandson—It gives me great pleasure to express the joy that came into my wintry life when I kicked the vitrified brick you so kindly placed under my old silk hat on the walk before my home. The big toe on my right foot is broken in two places and rammed back into my heel. Well do I remember how I took part in these play- ful antics when I was a child. My little toe is crumpled up and bent forty-two degrees to windward. I was then as care-free and joyous as you are now, my dear grandson, and my second toe is dislocated in two places and permanently warped. The thought of the joy your antic gave you renewed my youth, and the third toe on the same foot was am- putated a few minutes ago. Thus you have given me great pleasure and no harm was done to the brick. My fourth toe was never any use to me, anyway; so, again thanking you for making the day a pleasant one for me, I remain, gratefully, Your Grandfather. I. Letter from a Lady Who Has Picked Up a Red- hot Penny to Her Niece Who Put It There. New York, April Ist, 1911. My darling niece—I trust you will par- don me for writing this with my left hand, as I wish to preserve the thumb and forefinger of my right hand as a souvenir of the merry trick you have just played upon me. The ‘theads’’ of the warm cent which you prepared as a surprise for me is neatly scorched on my thumb, in a rich brown, You were, in- deed, thoughtful in choosing a cent w the head of Lincoln, for he is one of my favorite characters of history. The “tails” of the cent appears somewhat less plainly on the ball of my forefinger. I should have held onto the cent a few moments longer, no doubt; but I trust you will forgive me for not having done so. To tell you the truth, dear niece, the little attention was so unexpected and came as such a surprise that I hardly knew what to do at the moment; but I assure you that my first glad thought wasof you. Lovingly, | Your Aunt. Mk. Letter from a Youth of Tender Years to His ‘Cousin Who Mas Just Given Him a Plece of Candy Filled with Red Pepper. New York, April 1st, 1911. My dear George—Having just re- turned to the house after the jolly sur- prise you gave me, I hastened to the library, and the encyclopedia is lying open before me. In our youth we should take advantage of every opportunity to increase our knowledge, and, upon eating the piece of candy which I received from your generous hand, the thought came to me that I knew more of Cayenne than I had ever known before, thanks to you. But one bit of knowledge only makes the well-balanced mind long for more, and I have been reading with great interest ; CONSCIENTIOUS, BUT —— Porter (after thumping violently on the door) —" Beg pardon ; did you want to git called at siven ?”” Guest (who has been waked out of a sound sleep)—"" Yes. 1 jist wanted to make sure."” Porter—"' Naw, it's only five. heaven ! is it seven already ?"" comicbooks.com