Judge, 1911-03-04 · page 15 of 24
Judge — March 4, 1911 — page 15: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from Judge magazine contains several short humorous pieces satirizing early telephone use and dating customs: **"Stories Told Over the Phone"** mocks rural unsophistication—a man orders shoes by calling a grocery store's number instead of a shoe store, then switches vendors simply because the wrong number has fewer digits. A German immigrant expresses amazement that Dutch can be spoken over a telephone. **"A Misleading Sign"** plays on confusion about the new subway system—a pedestrian misreads "Subway Entrance Uptown" and asks a cop where to find the uptown entrance, not understanding the sign indicates direction. **"Kept Her Word"** is a flirtation story where a young man tries to kiss a woman in a meadow. She declares "I will not let you kiss me!" but then screams—fulfilling her word literally by screaming rather than by physically resisting. These pieces reflect early-20th-century anxieties about new technology and changing social conventions, using dialect humor and wordplay typical of the era's comedy.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Stories Told Over the ’Phone. By WILLIAM J. BURTSCHER. “gp T WAS his first time to use the telephone. He came into the one- horse store and called the keeper to one side and whispered to him that he would like to order a pair of shoes from a near-by town—over the ‘phone. “That's all right,’’ assented the store- keeper. ‘‘Help yourself."” He did as he had seen others do—rang the bell and held the receiver to his ear. ‘‘Number, please?" chirped exchange. ‘‘Number twelves, brogans!'’ was the prompt reply. “Hello! Is this 9-9-9-9 Green's Gro- It is.”” “Well, I'm going to do my trading with Brown's after this.”” “What's the complaint?” ‘‘None at all; but his telephone num- A MISLEADING SIGN. Officer, where can I get an uptown street-car to the subway ?”* “* Why don't you take the subway right here ?”” “But it says, ‘ Subway Entrance Uptown.’ ber is shorter and it’s less trouble to order things.”” An unsophisticated German, hearing some one speak his mother tongue into the telephone, cried in surprise, “Py gollies! can a feller talk Dutch ofer dem t’ings, doo?’’ The Sprattmobile. J AC Hi SPRATT, to walk too fat; wife, to walk too lean. They bought a car; it keeps them broke To buy the gasoline. HE BACKBONE of winter is never satisfied until a few other broken backbones have preceded it. 000, WOW! DOGGIE, WHO PUSHED YOUR FACE IN?” Kept Her Word. By WILBUR D. NESBIT ITH impudent daring the dashing young man, having carried on a merry conversation until the timid creature had not no- ticed how far they were straying from the house, turned to her and said, “T believe I will kiss you.’" “Sir!” she exclaimed haughtily, drawing herself up with an air of regal dis- dain. ‘How dare you?” “It isn’t a question of courage; it’s a question of taste,’’ he smiled noncha- lantly. “I positively forbid you to do such a thing!’’ she de- clared. “And what good does your forbidding do?’’ he argued. “We are fully a mile from any one, We are away out here in the meadows. Listen to the joyous trilling of yon- der birds that ure billing and cooing. All nature suggests love-making, and” “Sir, you are positively rude! she interrupted, stamping her little foot. his arm firmly about her slender waist. “Twill not let you kiss me!" she as- serted. “You will not?’’ he laughed easily. “How will you prevent me? I am stronger than you; you cannot get away from me."’ “I can still scream, thank heaven!’’ she answered determinedly. With no further argument he placed his free hand under her dimpled chin, elevated it to the proper angle, and kissed her. True to her word, “Thank heaven !"" she exclaimed, Why Not Ask Her? HAT ‘‘hello’’ girl sets me awhirl— The sprightly little dancer! And as a bride I'm satisfied She charmingly would answer. “T should be rude, indeed, not to wish to kiss so pretty a girl in such lovely sur- roundings,"’ he said, placing WORKED THE WRONG WAY ** Jones is home with a terrible cold. He drank a quart of whiskey to break it."” “Did it break it?" “No; but it broke everything else in the house."* comicbooks.com