Judge — September 17, 1910 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Abollinaris THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” Bottled only at the Spring, Neuenahr, Germany, and Only with its Own Natural Gas. WHAT OUR GRANDFATHERS SMILED OVER. Pickings trom “Joe Miller's Joke Book,” “Lestie’s ** Between Him and the Post. LETTER was posted at a village post-office. It had no postage stampon it, but in place there of the following note was writ- ten in one corner of the envelope: “Mr. Postmaster, don’t charge no postage on this. The stamp wouldn't stick, so I tore the thing up."” “ Enough!” “‘Fellow-citizens,"" cried an Ameri- can candidate for Congress, “I have fought against the Indi have of- ten had no bed but the battlefield, and | no canopy but the sky! I have marched | over the frozen ground till every step has been marked with blood !"’ His story told well till a dried-up- looking voter came to the front. ‘*Did! you say you'd fought for the Union?” “Yes,"’ replied the candidate, “And agin the Injins?”’ **Yea—many a time! “And that you had slept on the ground, with only the sky for a kiver?”* “Certainly!” “And that your feet bled in mareh- ing over the frozen ground?" “That's go!"’ cried the exultant can- didate. “Then I'll be darned if you ain't done enough for your country! Go home and rest! I'll vote for the other fellow !"" ‘How He Prospered. “That fellow,” observed a man on| "Change, pointing to a seedy individ- e to London a quarter of a bought a basket, and picking. What do you Budget of Fun,” and other hamorous publications A Friend in Need. A landlord called upon his tenant for| his rent, and remarking how greatly | the value of his property had been in- creased by the additions and alterations paid for by the tenant, am thinking of raising your rent.” “Well,” replied the tenant, ‘Iam glad to hear that, as 1 have great diffi culty in raising it myvelf."” The City Jokesmith. | By BARR MOSES. Ase in the towering concrete tree The city jokesmith si 8 He wrinkles oft his mighty brow, | And fiercely frowns and spits. His hair is short and gray and scant, His face a-dust and grim; Full often must he toil and pant To earn whate’er he can. And he looketh no man in the face, For he oweth every man. Week in, week out, from morn to night, You can hear him tap the keys; You can hear him thump his trembling desk To give his spirit ease, ea maniac in a padded cell Or a dog annoyed by fleas. And office-boys, who grinning pass, Glance in at the open door; They like to see his flaming face And to hear him snort and roar, Lik Like dust from his unswept floor. He goes on Sunday to the park, And sketches girls and boys; THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME. Gipsy (otfenng clothes-props)— * “Elp « poo: can take the two Long-winded. think he is worth now?"" n't say, I’m sure. How much?"’ t a cent—and he still owes for the basket." 4 That Man Again! “Mother doesn’t think she can go to the theater with us to-night, Bertie.”’ “Is that so? But I have three tick- Vhat shall we do with the “Give it to the man that you always go out to see between the acts. He sit with us and save you the trouble Whisper to the proprietor of the place you patronize that your Ale and rest content with the assur- ance of getting a good drink when you want it. This was Henry Clay’s reply to a| wordy member of Congress who re- marked that he (Clay) spoke only for |the present generation, while he (the |member) spoke f posterity: “Yes, sir; and it seems as if you are deter- mined to speak until your uudience ar- rives!"” “Handsomely Rewarded.” An editor, having been robbed of his six-shooter, advertised that if the thief would return it he would give him the contents and no questions asked. A Broad Hint. Book agent—‘Here is that book, ma‘am, ‘How To Play the Piano.’ ", Lady of the house—*What book? I didn’t order any book." Book agent—'‘No'm; but the neigh- bors did, and they told me to take it to you."" > A fond mother in Valparaiso, hear- | ing that an earthquake was coming, sent her boys toa friend in the coun- try, so that they might escape it. Inj time she received a note ying, ‘Take your |boys away and send along the earth- quake."* Caron! Bitters—Sample with patent Seabee sent on receipt of 25c. Best tonic and cocktail bit- Blache & Co., 78 Broad St. N. Y., Eight pence each,'or you 1 woman. tidy. ' —Londan Punch. tor a sbillia He sees the copper and the nurse, He hears the hobo's voice. He strains his ear to catch a joke That will make his heart rejoice. It sounds to him like the clink of coin, Suggests a generous check. He needs must think of things like these, For of credit he’s no speck. Ah, those who laugh at the jokesmith’s jokes Of his sufferings little reck! Toiling—blaspheming—sorrowing, Onward through life he goes. Each morning sees some joke begun, Few evenings see its close; Full much attempted, little done, E’en night gives no repose. aid to him. ‘1 And to eatch the oaths that stifling fly, T self, using an old-fashioned razor strop, recalls the instances in which, while on instance, every man who shaves him- his travels, he has left his strop behind him and never had a trace of it again. Now, with the creation of improved shavings devices, fety razor has ap- ed which is virtually self-strop- ping, so that when the user replaces it in its little case the strop must go with it, for it also has a place in the same jreceptacle. The man who uses an Au- tostrop razor must lose his razor, there- fore, to lose the strop. Great is the | inventive genius of the Yankee! The New Version. * By GRACE MiKINSTRY. of Agriculture will conéuct a moset land Now is ation there to pre service examination, ~ Bufalo Express, TPE dairy-farm is on thy shores, Maryland, my Maryland! Thou must arise to do the chores, Maryland, my Maryland! The government has found with thee e grass-grown meadows, broad and free, Which plainly make thee fit to be Dairyland, our dairyland! He Knew What Was What. “I'm seeking employment nt laddie’s place.’” *We must have a boy that is good at figures, as well as possessing general information, What would twenty-four pounds of salmon, at two- pence @ pound, be worth?” Donald—'*No’ worth a snuff !"* Taken on. Striking. A mechanic his labor will often discard, | If the rate of his pay he dislikes; But a clock—and case is uncom- monly hard— Will continue to work, though it strikes! PRESSED HARD. COFFEE'S WEIGHT ON OLD AGE. When prominent men realize the in- jurious effects of coffee and the change in health that Postum can bring, they are glad to lend their testimony for the | benefit of others. A superintendent of public schools in a Southern State says: ‘‘My mother, | since her early childhood, was an invet- | erate coffee drinker, had been troubled with her heart for a number of ycars, and complained of that ‘weak all over’ feeling and sick stomach. « | “Some time ago I was making an official visit to a distant part of the country and took dinner with one of the merchants of the place. I noticed a somewhat peculiar flavor of the coffee and asked him concerning it. He re- plied that it was Postum. I wi pleased with it tha fter the was over, I bought ckage to carry home with me, and had wife prepare some for the next meal. The whole family liked it so well that we discon- tinued coffee and used Postum entirely. “Thad really been at times very anx- ious concerning my mother’s condi- tion, but we noticed that after using Postum for a short time she felt so Thanks, thanks to thee, my crusty much better than she did prior to its friend, For the lesson thou hast taught! "Tis thus in pain and penury Gay humor must be wrought, ‘Thus on the clicking typewriter Be forged each funny thought. The Ingenuity of the Yankee. The United States hi use and had little trouble with her heart and no sick stomach, that the headaches were not so frequent, and her general condition much improved. This continued until she was as well and hearty as the rest of us. “I know Postum has benefited myself and the other members of the family, more invent- but in a more marked degree in the ore, grants more patents, and has more case of my mother, as she was a victim labor-saving and time-saving devices of long standing. in every household than any other coun- | try in the world. cause we have more prosperous house- time. For' ana full of human interest. {holds and more prosperous people. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. Ever read the above letter? A Perhaps this is be- mew one appears from time to They are genuine, true,