Judge — May 21, 1910 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE NEW CENSUS PAPER. What is your age? Where were you born? ‘Are you married, and, if so, how do you like it? How many children have you, and do they sufficiently resemble ycu to pre- clude the possibility of their belonging to any of your neighbors? Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? Have you a twin brother several years older than yourself? Have you parents, and, if so, how many of them? Do you read the New Testament regu- larly? What is your fighting weight? Which do you like the best for light reading—'‘The Gunmaker of Moscow,”” by Cobb, or the President's last mes- sage, by J. B.? Are beans an article of regular diet in your family, and, if so, how does it 0? FP State whether you are blind, deaf, idiotic, or have the heaves. How many chickens have you, and are they on foot or in the shell? Also, how many succedaneums? Is there a strawberry mark on your left arm? Which food do you prefer, rum or mixed drinks? State how much pork, Impending Crisis, Dutch cheese, popular sover- eignty, standard poetry, Gayetty paper, slave code, catnip, red flannel, Constit tion and Union, old junk, perfumery, coal, oil, liberty, hoop’ skirt, ete., you have on hand? Were you and your wife worth any- thing when married, and, if not, what proportion of her things were your'n and your things were her'n? Were you ever in the penitentiary? If four barrels of emptyings poured | on a barn floor will cover it, how many s can Dion Boucicault write in a Are you troubled with boils? | How many empty bottles have you in| the house? Do you smoke, and what? How does your meerschaum color? Does your mother know you are out? Do you read Frank Leslie's Budget of ‘Please, marm, and what shall I do with the bits of candles?’ “Take them downstairs and burn them in the kitchen, Bridget.’’ Off she started. At night Bridget called the lady and asked for a candle for the kitchen, “A candle! Why, what have you done with those pieces you had this morning?”” “Faith, marm, I put them in the fire and burned them in the kitchen, as ye tould me this morning!"’ Two cousins named Crickett were married last week in Jefferson County, Kentucky. We are opposed to such cricket matches, BROMO-~ ALMOST A “SELL.” Somebody, in speaking of the lecture on amusement delivered by the Rev. Mr. ——, at the town hall the other night, asked Jim how many there were out. Jim looked solemn, and promptly re- ‘Five hundred and seventy-five.’” What! so many as that on a stormy night?” “*Yes,"' mildly responded Jim, ‘‘full that number; the hall will hold just six hundred, and as there were only twenty- five in it, there must have been five hundred and seventy-five out.’’ Jim's mathematics were not disputed by the inquirer, as he walked off, giving evident signs that his risibles had re- ceived a severe shock. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS Oliver W. Holmes—The papers en- titled ‘The Autocrat of the Breakfast- table,” published in the Monthly, are the joint production of Ned Buntline and Parson Beecher. The poems in it are by Judge Whitley and the Benicia Boy. H. W. Longfellow—Your ‘‘Excelsior’’ is not a bad beginning, but it is not suited for our columns. We think that, translated by George Christy into nig- ger dialect, it would take—more espe- cially if accompanied by him on the bones. We advise you to avoid that straining after the original. Why don't you learn German or French or Chicka- saw? Charles Dickens (England)—We do Allantic | C.F. HEUBLEIN BRO. COMPARING NOTES How ’s that for a “Ob, [tell you, farm Mr Chantecter Mr Cornfed- NEW WAY OF ADVERTISING FOR A WIFE. Wanted—A silent partner, with a cash capital of $500. The man who waited for an opportu- nity has gone on, and the man who was fired with indignation has been put out. A wag once remarked, with a very grave countenance, that ‘‘however pru- dent and virtuous young widows might be, he had seen many a widow-err.” SELTZER CURES | season's crop? products are what the public want."’ not publish verses written by men who} have separated from their wives, or by those who do not settle with their washerwomen. Wives and washer- women must be protected. W. M. Thackeray (London)—Your “‘Stanzas to Innocence’’ are accepted. Your only fault is a too great faith in human excellence. A little larger knowledge of the world will correct all this. Dr. Robert Shelton Mackenzie—Your comic entitled ‘‘The Groves of Blarney accepted. Draw for the amount on the Comical Bank, at the old rates—fifty dollars a line—with our full permission, and best wishes that you may get it.—Leslie’s Budget of Fun, March, 1860. An exchange paper, under the head of jood Advice," advises young men to wrap themselves up in their virtue.”” A contemporary well says, ‘‘Many of them would freeze almost to death if | they had no warmer covering.” The Bill, the Bill, the whole Bill, | HEADACHES | 104,254,504, & $199 Bottles. In answering advertisements please and nothing but the Bill.—Shakespeare. mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. “When Good Fellows Get Together” Simply strain through cracked ice and serve. Hartford New York Look at This Picture PRETTY, isn’t it? Look at it again— Like the tang of the sea it is fresh, Like the crest of the wave it is graceful. Think of it framed—on your wall For Your Winter Home For Your Summer Cottage By HH HER BUOY" Photogravure in sepia 15x18 One Dollar Hand-colored. $1.50 Send 10 cents for Illustrated Catalogue LESLIE-JUDGE COMPANY 225 Fifth Avenue, New York Trade supplied by the W. R. Anderson Co. 32 Union Square, New York LAUGH WITH Sis Hopkins| == HER OWN BOOK == June Number | | | | || || || 10c—AT ALL NEWS-STANDS—10c I l comicbooks.com