Judge — January 15, 1910 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THE YARNS OF CAPTAIN FIBB. 1, “I remember oncet I hadn't slept fer two weeks, and I wuz so sleepy I creeps inter a boiler in’ a boiler factory to take a snooze, and I falls right inter the deepest sleep I ever beard tell about, 4. — And when I lands in a private or- 5. chard in a comfortable position I never quivers an eyelash, but keeps on sleepin’ like a! top. — WHO'S NOT WHO IN AMERICA. In response to a great demand for _a biographical work of this nature, supplementary to ‘ Who's Who” and other similar compilations, we have undertaken to compile a volume of brief sketches, to be entitled ‘* Who's Not Who in America or Any- where Else."” The work will appear from time to time in installments as occasion demands and distinguished persons succeed in qualifying themselves for admission to the growing circle of the ‘* Who's Not Who in America.” CARLYLE SMITH, ; Publication Committee, HORACE DODD GASTIT, Who's Not Who Asso ANNE WARRINGTON WITHERUP, Catt ERT ATRer ees: OOSEVELT, THEODORE—Stepfather of his Country (retired). Only Human Cyclopedia in captivity. Born, New York City, October 27th, 1858, Lineal descendant of Destiny on one side and of Chance on the other. Has lived up to both strai Not president of Harvard, 1908. Inventor of the Big Stick, which he wielded with striking, not to say stunning, results. Commander of Wood's Horseless Cavalry in the battle of San Juan Hill. Managing editor of the United States for seven years. Holds Marathon record for presidential messages, running the record up to 345,879,897,907,890,- $21,887 words, or 3,500,897 to the minute during his administration. Discovered Africa, 1908, Author of ‘The Rhinoceri of the Rhine, The Utter Futility of Trying To Catch Zebra: by Putting Salt on Their Tails," ‘‘ The Farcie Elephant of the Smithsonian Age,’’ ‘‘ The Pleistoscenery of Mombazzazza,’’ ‘‘ Through Africa on a Cow- catcher,”’ ‘‘ Bellamies I Have Met,"’ ‘* Shooting Poultneys in the children in words of ten syllables. Africa. 2, ——I slept so sound that when the boiler- makers came to work and kept poundin’ riv- ets inter the thing it only lulled me inter a deeper sleep.— And then the owner comes out and boots me over the wall, but me only answer is a still louder snore.— Bigelow Mountains," and ‘* Corking Days at the White House,” a story for Recreation, autobiography. omnivercus, with intermittent squalls followed by heavy blows. the Gutburst, New York, or in care of Kermit, Photographer, Jungleville, 3. —— And arter a while when a careless work- man drops his pipe inter a can of dynamite and blows the boiler to bits with a bang that wuz heard fer fifty miles, I goes right on snorin’ as though nothin’ had happened.— on WO 6. —— And I'd ‘a’ bin bin fer the fact that I walks all day in me sleep till I came ter a river and fell in, and the icy wa- ter woke me up! How did I know that all this happened if I wuz asleep? Well, that’s an- other story.”” AN APPRECIATION OF HUMOR. HUMORIST, who is ever on the lookout for markets in which appears the glimmer of a chance to sell his wares, particularly those wares he fails to sell to Jupce, began send- ing some of these to a certain publication of high repute. For a long time he submitted his manuscripts, and for the same length of time these kept coming back, but not without a short note of appreciation from the editor. After this battledore and shuttlecock sort of game had gone on for a period of three months, the patience-exhausted humorist put to the editor a pointed query, which brought this reply: “* Dear sir—We are always glad to receive such material you have been sending to this office, and are always glad to read it, although we never use humorous matter in our maga- zine."” - y doesn’t the bride marry the best man ?”” | Snicker—* She has to marry the man she can get."” Politics, ‘Address, A THEORY. Jones—'* Why do the heathen rage?"* ‘Smith—* 1 don't know, unless they are excited over this North Pole controversy."” comicbooks.com