Judge — December 4, 1909 — page 27: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Suage- YULE-TIDE STATISTICS. By G. M. L. Brown. JF URING the past month there ap- | peared the first official Yule-tide statistics. We cannot praise too highly the industry and enterprise of the official committee appointed last spring to collect and tabu- late facts and figures bearing upon the celebration of Christ- mas, The report deals with the festival of 1908, and the com- mittee suggests that an increase of twenty to twenty-five per cent. be allowed in estimates for 1909. The following is a summary of the section relating to the giving and receiving of presents: Population of the United States 85,000,000 Total number of presents purchased 433,188,000 Total number of presents home-made 204,312,000 Grand total of presents of all kinds 637,500,000 Making an average, per capita, of 15 Total amount spent upon presents or upon materials for the making of same $239,062,500.00 Making an average, per present, of 37 Analyzing this vast expenditure, the committee has arrived at some astonishing and rather unpalatable facts: A. Presents of substantial value which were within the means of giver and proved abso- lutely satisfactory to recipient 247 B. Presents of substantial value which were within the means of giver, but for various reasons proved unsatisfactory to recipient 8,063 C. Presents of substantial value which proved satisfactory to recipient, but were beyond the means of giver 91,438 D. Presents of questionable value which proved satisfactory to recipient (this includes the ignorant, the witless and the sentimental; also children of tender years) 896,266 E. Presents of questionable value which proved unsatisfactory to recipient 2,387,121 F. Presents of no value what- ever which proved un- satisfactory to recipient 107,932,508 G. Presents of such absurd design or contemptible or irrelevant character (this is the wording of the committee) as to excite ridicule or resentment in recipient 311,215,643 We should like to give a few of the in- teresting details collected by this indefati- gable bureau, but space will permit only the following brief summary of the ‘* nature and design of presents making up class G": 1, Articles of grotesque or offensive design. Examples: Chafing dish in form of a skull, the cross bones serving as legs; jewel case embossed with golden balls, bachelor’s lamp-shade with lingerie draping, nutmeg grater bearing resem- blance to banjo, egg cups festooned with young chickens, bedspread decorated with entomological design. 2. Articles lacking common utility. Exam- ples: Light green satin laundry bag, “Topography of the Island of Terra del Fuego,” in three quarto volumes; coat of mail, boy’s size; hand-painted door mat; South American tapir, requiring park or garden with pond, all kept at tropical temperature; moth-proof cabi- good feller.” “LOVE'S PREOCCUPATION.” net for raincoats, rolling pin inl.id with mother of pearl, “Contributions to Higher Philosoph: by the inmates of the Massachusetts State Insane Asylum, in eight volumes; silver rack for Chinese chop-sticks, nickel-plated muzzle for Teddy bear. 3. Articles wholly unsuited to needs or tastes of recipient. Ex- amples: Toothbrush to new-born infant, works of Zola to Sal- vation Army officer, umbrella to prisoner in Sing Sign, cuckoo clock to ship captain, young shade trees (from nursery) to light- house keeper, fur coat to missionary in Honduras, family Bible to elderly spinster, African parrot to president of Society for Prevention of Noise, Browning’s poems to barkeeper. “* We unanimously recommend,”’ concludes the committee, after several hundred pages of exhaustive data, ‘‘ that official records here- after be kept of all Christmas presents, with name of giver, descrip- tion of gift and circumstances attending its selection, the same to be accessible for court reference and to be regarded as decisive evi- dence in determining a person’s mental condition. THE MAN WHO KNOWS. “Say, Santa Claus, now you're here, let's have the truth about this North Pole business. That's a comicbooks.com