Judge — August 21, 1909 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Bulletin. 908 MILES IN The “ Pennsylvania Special” railroad transportation. man. Under the train is the fines! most completely equipped train. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD 1080 MINUTES. is the climax of development in It is operated primarily in behalf of the busy t roadbed. Above the rails is the On the train is a picked crew. Alongside the tracks is the best Signal System. This combination makes for speed, regularity, safety, The “ Pennsylvania Special” It is an asset to the business man. and utter comfort. has made good for many years. He can recreate on it or work as humor or necessity dictates, but he is using the minimum of time in meeting his engagements. Three-quarters of the circumference of the clock-dial, all in the off hours, is its daily deed. The “ Pennsylvania Special,” the pioneer 18-hour train between New York and Chicago, leaves New York every day at 3.55 P.M. and arrives in Chicago 8.55 A. M. Returning, it leaves Chicago 2.45 P. M. and arrives in New York at 9.45 A. M. THINKING ALOUD. While trying an old woman on a charge of stealing faggots, a judge who had acquired the habit of thinking aloud unconsciously exclaimed, **Why, one faggot is as like another faggot as one egg is like another egg.” The counsel defending the case heard the observa-| tion and repeated it to the jury, where- upon the judge cried, ‘Stop! It is an intervention of Providence! This was the very thought that passed through my mind. Gentlemen" (addressing the jury), “acquit the prisoner."’—London News, THE HELPFUL BELLBOY. For four consecutive nights the hotel man had watched his fair, timid guest fill her pitcher at the water-cooler. jadam,’? he said on the fifth night, “if you would ring, this would be done for you.”” | “But where is my bell?" asked. the lad | “The bell is beside your bed," replied the proprietor. “That the bell!’ she exclaimed. “Why, the boy told me that was the fire alarm, and that I wasn’t to touch it on any account. Success Magazine. THE MECHANICAL CHOIR. “Thear that your church has installed a phonograph stuffed with sacred mu- Choir had si “Yes, struck."" “New scheme work all right?”” _ “It's beautiful! Never quarrels with itself, has no skirts to rustle, doesn’t fret about the angle of its hat, refrains from giggling or powdering its nose, and if it gets out of order a mechanic) can repair it.""—Philadelphia Ledger. Had to do it. TOO GREAT A STRAIN. _ Theater manager—*You say you ob- ject to having real food on the table in the banquet scene, Mr. Greesepaynt. Why, the rest of the company are de- ted at it!” | Mr. Greesepaynt—'*Yes; but my part! requires me to rise from the table after couple of mouthfuls and say, ‘I cannot fat to-night—a strange dread comes | over T will seek the quiet of yonder apartment for a time.’ —Royal Maga- | tine, | PLACING IT RIGHT. After waiting for several weeks with- out hearing from her story, the amateur author wrote the magazine editor, re- questing an early decision, saying that she had ‘‘other irons in the fire.’" Promptly came the editor's respons “Dear madam—I,have read your story, and, after giving it careful considera- tion, I should advise you to put it with the other irons.'’—Success Magazine. Every lover of a ood cocktail should eall for Ab, bott’s Bitters, Makes the bent, UNWHOLESOME. Medicine man—* What is the matter with your majesty Cannibal king—"Oh, I've an awful indigestion!” Medicine man—*What have you been eating?"" Cannibal king—"1 have ju off an American millionaire. Medicine man—''Good heavens! No wonder you are ill! I've told you re- peatedly to beware of anything rich."? —Londm Tit-Bits, st polished WELL EQUIPPED. A Methodist bishop was recently a guest at the home of a friend who had two charming daughters. One morning the bishop, accompanied by the two young ladies, went out in the hope of catching some trout. An old fisherman, out for the same purpose, wishing to appear friendly, called out, ‘‘Ketchin’ many, pard The bishop, drawing himself to his full height, replied, ‘Brother, I am a fisher of men."” “You've got the right kind o° bait, all right," was the fisherman's rejoin- der.—Success Magazine, DIVERSE TACTICS. Both boys had been rude to their mother. She put them to bed earlier than usual, and then complained to their father about them. So he started up the stairway, and they heard him coming. “Here comes papa,’? said Maurice. “I'm going to make believe I’m a- sleep.” “T'm not, to get up Christian Ad said Harry. “I'm going ind put something on."’- neate. SHEARS AND PASTE - POT HER OBJECTION. Real-estate agent (rattling off descrip- tion of house to Mrs. Fradley, a prospec- e tenant) —‘‘Here’s the kitchen— splendid room—all modern conveniences —hardwood floor’’—— Mrs. Fradley (interrupting) —‘‘Oh, it won't do at all. My present kitchen has a softwood floor, and the breakage of dishes even on that is something frightful !""—Brooklyn Life. THE HATER OF QUIETUDE. “That man says he will create some real excitement if he gets into Con- PHILIP MORRIS ORIGINAL LONDON CIGARETTES A Philip Morris Smoker { isa Philip Morri rooter, Yes,"" answered Senator Sorghum; | SAAS “he is one of those peculiar patriots who | want to climb on board the ship of state simply for the pleasure of rocking the boat.’’— Washington Star. CAMRRIDGE retslar size 25c. Aub Geren 35 COURAGE. Turn failure into victory, Don’t let your courage fade, And, if you get a lemon, Just make the lemon: “The Little " Hrown Box IN DOUBT. “Did you ever have appendicitis?”’ _ said the insurance man, “Well,” answered the skeptic, ‘1 PIDLELES OF THE “INDEPENDENT.” The best prohibition story of the sea- was operated on, but I never felt’ sure whether it was a case of appendicitis or a case of professional curiosity.""— son comes from Kansas, where, it is said, a local candidate stored a lot of [standing in my riding outfit with my| printed prohibition literature in his Cae |barn, but accidentally left the door a " {open, and a herd of milch cows came in Blobbs— Why do you liken Harduppe | and ate all the pamphlets. As a result, to the busy bee? He's not particularly | every cow in the herd went dry.— industrious, is he? Adrian Times. Slobbs—"Oh, no, it isn’t that; b nearly every one he touches gets stung. Big Rapids, Mich., June 17th.—Over —Philadelphia Record. at Newaygo, where it is so dry that the “boys habitually cotton," there THOSE STUPID PHOTOGRAPHERS. | seem to be some mighty dry prohibi- “T had my picture taken in my riding | tionists, according to a story that comes togs—not on a horse, you know, but just | from the desert. A Newaygo citizen recently received And to-day the | a letter from a Kentucky whiskey house, rapher writes me that the pic-) requesting him to send them the names for me and that they are]of a dozen or more persons who would —Christian Work and | like to get some fine whiskey shipped to them at a very low price. The letter wound up by saying HISSED OFF. “We will ave f uA commission on Bob Footlite (actor)—'* Failure? 1 all the orders sent in by parties whose should think it was! The whole play | names you send u was ruined.” The Newaygo man belonged to a Sh Gracious! How was that?'’! practical-joke class, and filled in the Bob Footlite—"At the end of the last’ names of some of his prohibition friends act a steam pipe burst and hissed me on the blank apaces left for that purpose. off the stage."”—London Tit-Bits, | He had forgotten all about his sup- posed practical joke when Monday he received another letter from the same “Please, sir, me grandmudder"—— | house. He supposed it was a request “Tell a new one, Johnny.”* for more names, and was just about to “Promised to take me to de game to-| throw the communication in the waste day if you'll lemme off.”” basket when it occurred to him to send He got off.—Pittsburgh Post. | the name of another old friend to the whiskey house. He accordingly tore THEY WERE SHADY. ‘open the envelope, and came naar cole Bung—*So you have succeeded in| lapsing when he found a check for four tracing back my ancestors? What is dollars and eighty cents, representing your fee?” his commission on the sale of whiskey Genealogist—"‘Twenty guineas for to the parties whose names he had sent keeping quict about them."’—Cassell’s in about three weeks before.—Detroit Saturday Journal, Free Press. Washington Star. crop held in my hand. phot tures are ready all mounted. Evangelist. A NEW TWIST. HIGH LIFE BEER MILLER-MILWAUKEE In answering advertisements please mention Junce. It will be appreciated. comicbooks.com