Judge, 1909-01-09 · page 7 of 16
Judge — January 9, 1909 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains **three separate humorous pieces** from Judge magazine: 1. **"Modern Methods"** (top): A burglar breaks into a home, then—rather than robbing the owner—launches into a *sales pitch* for a Smith's Patent Safe Burglar Alarm. The satire mocks aggressive 1900s-era salesmanship: even criminals are depicted as pushy door-to-door salespeople. The joke is that the burglar uses threat and coercion not to steal, but to sell a security system. 2. **"The Mystery Solved"** (middle): A brief joke explaining why "money talks"—a woman poses for illustrations of heads on currency. 3. **"The Age of Romance"** (bottom): Medieval-style parody dialogue between characters like "Sir Launcelot" and a "Prege Mayde" (Pretty Maid), mocking romantic fantasy literature through ridiculous dragon-slaying boasts. It's lighthearted literary satire. The **"Fashion Notes"** (right column) uses puns to mock fashion advice—"grass widows" and "weeds" are literal clothing recommendations.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MODERN METHODS. $1 OPENED the door | saw a man with a bur- glar’s) mask, kneeling before the safe. The next moment he had turned and shoved a revolver into my face. “Throw up your hands!"* 1. I did so, “You understand,” he re- marked pleasantly, ‘that 1 can, under the present cireum- . loot the premises at he You real- VHE MYSTERY SOLVED ize that you are She “1 posed for the head that at_my mercy?" adorns o ys ** 8 he asked, We at explains why money talks” =“ mene? “Td,” Les plied. * You acknowlédge that I can blow you to king- if 1 like?” he persisted. ainly," L admitted, “Well, then,’? he said, “you will be interested to know that [ got in without difliculty through your parlor wind Had it been equipped with Smith's Patent: Sa Burglar Alarm i enter, this could not have h with batteries, for fifteen dollars Allow m you a cireu ‘Therewith, ps 45 his re dom con y pened, 1 to han Pa, WREITENY He (pettishly) ** You look a mation enough to say boo to a goos She—* Boo!" if you hadn't ani- THE A Sir Launcelot du Fa Yer Prege Mayde Sir Launcelot i Ye Proge Mayde-—* And it breatheth fire and brimstos Sve Leuncelot—"* Right-o' And on what feedeth i V+ Proge Mayde—** 11 hath for breakfast each morn Sir Launectat on. Furst commuter —"* Second commuter de to the front door OF ROMAN “How big is this dragon from which I have rescued you, p leagues long, and of the bigness of a mountain, sir knight so thar the heavens be darkened by the smoke thereof.” sevenscore such dragons as Sir Gwaine slew last week!" You ‘te on your job! Come on now to Camelot and we ‘Il make that perjured bray FASHION NOTES. RASS widows should wear lawn, trimmed as lawns usually G are, Weeds should be avoided, as they are apt to become seedy. Pugilists should fight shy of worsted, as it is too hard for them. They should always get something soft. Belts should be avoided, and, in choosing colors, tans should be given a wide berth, Glo es as usual, Light-headed young things should not wear feathers. Oil, to feed the light, and any old ruffled silk lamp shade will add to the brilliancy of the illumination. Directoire styles are all the rage. Business men will find their mode in the business directoire. Widowers and bachelors will find it a good stroke of business to accept nothing but dots, When derby hats prove burdensome, it is often found that caps are not felt. WILLIAM J. Lewis, . Sit Gweaine, eat his helmet 1"? comicbooks.com