Judge, 1908-12-12 · page 7 of 16
Judge — December 12, 1908 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"At the Grand Opera"** mocks newly required campaign finance and food safety disclosure laws by imagining opera singers loudly announcing their salaries during performance—turning transparency into absurdity. The joke suggests such regulations, when applied to entertainment, would destroy the art form. **"No More Questions Asked"** is a brief doctor-patient joke playing on the euphemism "the hearse" for a mother-in-law's death. **"The Mother's Retort"** satirizes rigid school authority: a principal expels a boy as unteachable; the mother's clever response—implying the school is too intellectually limited for her son—turns the insult back on the institution. **"Her Name Was Not Polly Ticks"** ridicules a political candidate's transparent vote-seeking. A farmer, suspicious of the stranger's sudden friendliness, misinterprets "politics" as a woman's name and angrily rejects the intrusion into personal affairs, ending the candidate's prospect. The remaining items are brief workplace and social humor unrelated to major events.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
NO MORE QUESTIONS ASKED, Dector-—“ So your mother-in-law died while I was away. Jobn—* The hearse, sir.” AT THE GRAND OPERA. (When the publicity provisions of the campaign-contribution and pure-food laws have been applied to the great song-birds.) Prima donna (singing)—‘‘ 0-0-0-0, I get fifteen—fifteen dollars—every min-u-u-ute!"” Basso profundo— So-o do I. So do I—I—I—I."" Contralto (enviousissimo)—"* I get but six—but six. But I am much better than they-y-y-y.”” Chorus (hopping on right leg: we get eighteen dollars in a wee Prima donna—"' My na-ame, oh, my na-ame was Nancy Jones, until I went to Pa-ri.” Basso profundo (going down)—* And my na-ame was Mud."” Chorus (turning handsprings to Niebelungen march)—"‘And ours are Doyle and Grady. And ours are Hanks and Schmitt.” Prima donna (crescendo) —" But now they caw-aw-aw-awl me Madame An- toneri.”” Basso profundo—* And I am Trotti. Chorus (kicking at baldhead row) Le Moigne.”” Prima donna, basso profundo, contralto, and chorus (all togetherino)— “ Fi-i-if-teen dollars—Here comes the King!—Oh, ain’t it a puddin’ !—He ap- proaches!—You pay for it aw-aw-l out there—The King! The King! Scene-on-Bay-of-Naples curtain drops to twirling lingerie and fireworks. Male portion of audience rushes to Nearest Place. German orchestra hits up the Anvil Chorus. Helen—*Do you know that Jack gets brighter every time he comes tosee me?” Julia—'* He doesn’t call very often, does he?’ —'* And we get eighteen in a week. And * And we are known as Blossom and IN BUSINESS CIRCLES. “TI have to let that new clerk so. “Why is that?” “Tcan‘t stand a man that parts his hair in the middle." What finally carried her off ?” DISINTERESTED MAN. A YEAR ago, when the broker had requested that his wife write him a few lines occasionally from the Southern resort, this good lady sent not only the few words requested, but many others, all relating to the subject of dress, **What we wore yesterday, to-day, and what the children will wear to-morrow,’’ with minute details, was the monotonous news ed by the broker from his family. This y as the man was bidding his wife adi he said, ‘‘ Send me a line on your arrival, but, for heaven's al don’t hang the family wash on it!” ‘THE MOTHER'S RETORT. -PHE PRINCIPAL of a Brighton school sent an incorrigible boy pupil home with this note recent- ly: ‘Madame, don’t send your unruly boy back to us, We can’t teach him any- thing.” The next day the principal received this retort: “Sir, I always thought my boy only ordinarily smart, therefore it is amazing to find I must transfer him to an- other school, where the teachers know more than he does !"" ANY a travelin’ man has got a hard face from wash- in’ himself with that adamant hotel soap. —_ cpa’ ‘THE PROPOSAL. HER NAME WAS NOT POLLY TICKS. URING the late campaign an Illinois candidate for the Legislature was driving through the | country, seeking votes among the farmers, when he {met a young man in farmer's garb, walking by the _ | roadside. Having in mind g prospective vote, he stopped his horse, and saluting him in a familiar manner, inquired, “Are you paying any attention to politics nowadays?” The young man stopped, looked at him sus- piciously, and drawled out, “No, stranger; that don’t happen to be my gal’s name; but ef it was, I wouldn’t think it was any of your durned business."” ‘This ended the interview as well as the prospect. comicbooks.com