Judge — December 7, 1907 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Did yeh git what y* expected Cris'mus?” “Yep; | got what | expected.” ** Wasn't yeh satisfied? Wasn't it what yeh wanted ?" AW, SHUCKS |! “Say! When what a feller wants is a red toorin’-car, an’ a sixteen-shooter rifle, an’ a yacht, he ain't goin’ ‘round hollerin’ about a derned ole Jack-knife an’ a stockin’ full of hick'ry-nuts, is hé 2" I don't have any reference to that there societyin England. I just mean a night when a garterdone me dirt. Not that I knowed it then, I didn't, an’ that’s what makes it hurt so. You know, if a feller knows a thing in time t’ square hisself, it’s different. But if he just finds it out when it's too late, he ain't got nothin’ to do but regret it steady for th’ rest of his natchral. An’ if they’s anything in a human that stands for lost motion in machinery, it’s regret. This was one Chris’mas Eve at a party. I hadn't no business bein’ there. I was out of my class about as far as a feller ever gets. I was visitin' my cousin Elmer, in town, an’ seein’ that they wasn't nothin’ else he could do with me, an’ seein’ I was good-enough lookin’ if 1 was togged right, an’ gettin’ my promise t’ keep my head shet an’ not give away much about me bein’ from the fried-steak an’ rubber- collar belt, Elmer said he'd take me to a swell doin’s, They was to be aorchestry from th’ city, an’ they was to be good clothes t’ ignite. Elmer got me a dress-suit—one o' them kind with a horse-collar vest, an’ pants without pockets, an’ things like that. I guess he ex- pected to see me be a bad actor in th’ togs, but say, when I get all diked out I'm protder'n a hoss with new martingals with pearl rings on ‘em, an’ Elmer was tickled foolish with th’ way I looked an’ carried m'self, Well, we went, an’ it wasn't long till 1 took a shine toa girl Elmer interduced me to. She was a peacherino, an’ I was a farmer, which is often a bad combination—for th’ farmer. They was only one thing that saved me—I knowed I was a farmer, an’ made allowance t'r th’ effect she had on me. That kept me sort o'-cool like, but just as anx- ious as any young buck ever was to make a good impression. I wanted her to think I was some, an’ wanted at th’ same time t'keep myself from thinkin’ she was any too much. That's th’ attitude of young fellers in these days when a feller reads a good deal an’ accumulates savvy. THE NIGHT OF THE GARTER But I done myself proud, I guess—at least, I thought so all even- ing. I noticed that when I talked to'er she kept lookin’ down meek- like, an’ that she laughed a good deal more’n I seen any necessity for, but I laid it all to th’ fact that maybe I was too deep f'r her, an’ she was just tryin’ to be agreeable when she didn’t quite ketch on. Well, th’ evenin’ ended. I kind o* hated t'see itend. I'd been mighty interested in myself an’ a heap entertained. I'd just told Elmer so as we was startin’ down th’ stairs from th’ room where we'd put our hats an‘ overcoats, when I heard somethin’ clink, an’ looked down t se¢ about eighteen inches o’ pink garter trailin’ along beside my shoe. I felt kind 0° skeered, but thought maybe it had just come loose, I stooped to fix it, an’, by jingerusalem ! th’ fastener was mashed flat, an’ about four inches 0’ th’ pink elastic had been tromped on till it was plumb dusty an’ thread- bare. So th’ dern thing had _prob'ly been draggin’ around all evenin’ an ticklin’ that girl fit bust. I hain't never seen ‘er since, but I've hated ‘er every wakin’ min- ute, an’ sometimes in my dreams. Not because of no injury she done me, understand, but be- cause that's th’ way we feel at peo- ple that has seen us make fools of our- selves. “1 felt kind. sTmcxuan w. cram. Just come loose. * skeered, but thought maybe It had comicbooks.com