Judge — October 26, 1907 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUBLISHED WEEKLY. Nuw Yourx. ——9 Sas ARSSS ———,_—§ DagNISS as 10 CENTS A Copy. Caste Appress,“Jupcane.” Tex. 2214 Gramercy. Waster Apvanrisina Ornce— 1379 Harore’ Building, Cricage, It One copy, one year. TERMS TO SUBSCRIRERS: orszpumoers» - ‘One copy, six months. or 20 numoers - ‘One copy, for thirteen weexs ‘ostage free to all subscribers in the United States, and in Ha Posta Subscriptions payable in advance by draft on Ne eee OREIGN SUBSCRIPIIONS—To all RAM SALRS-AGRNTS—/ntermational News Compa ‘he contents of FUDGE are protected by coneright in both the United States and Great Britain. CONTRIBUTORS must inclose a stamped and self-addressed enbelope with all manuscriots, otherwise rerum of the Latter when foans unavailabie cannot be guaranteed. DRAWINGS and ail contributions sent to the Art Deoartment should have the sender's full name and address written plainiv on each and evers seoarate sketch. descriptive letter-oress should in every instance be writien upon its indtwidual picture, and NOT upon a separate slio of paper. inciosure of insure safe and orompt return of material not accestes. ii, Porto Rico, the Philippine 1 York or by express or postal order, mat by lacal checks, which, wader prisent Lanking regulations of New Vork eer leaak tert cue teeeatrae Tnciuding the Cunisrs nds, Guam, Tatuili, Samoa, and Mexic Canadian Provinces, $5.50 a year. Infrincement of this copyright will be promptly and vigorousiv orosecuted. The accompanying Joke or lampe te the fall amount of postage 1s also reauired, 10 Mf JUDGE cannot be found at aay newe-stand, the publishers will be under obligations if that tact be promptly reported on postal-card or by letter. GEORGE WASHINGTON AND A WHEELED CARRIAGE. GEORGE WASHINGTON, tax-dodger. Captain Donahoe, the com- piler of a history of Fairfax County, Virginia, is the man who has dragged forth this interesting bit of scandal. A Fairfax grand-jury pre- sentment is the morsel of historic fact which he has plucked out of the dust-bin of ancient court-records. The father (to be) of his country actu- ally kept mum about a certain *t wheeled carriage” when the law required him to enter it on the rate-list. The first millionaire of the republic joins with the last, and a common “taint” covers all. Thus the proud fabric of ancient honor and public virtue shrivels and crackles and falls into a heap of ruins. ‘Say not that the former times were better than these,” droned a disagreeable cynic of the olden days; and a poet of our own times has sung, “In every age the human heart is human.” It is curious how careful we humans are of ancient.reputations, and how utterly callous we are toward the reputations of the living. We do not mind saying that the discovery of a few big, worth-while crookednesses in the Honorable George would endear him to us and make him almost lovable. His cold steel-plate perfection annoys us and makes him distant and false. On the other hand, we do not look for impossible perfections in the living—and sometimes it seems very nearly a blessing that we have men among us yet who have the courage to steal railroads, bribe politicians, buy legislatures, and cor- rupt the government. At all events, there stands George in agreeable con- trast to the monumental saint we have known him hitherto. He hada wheeled carriage, possibly several; and when the assessors asked him for his property-list he winked his eye and forgot to mention said wheeled carriage. ON GETTING EVEN WITH THE DOCTOR. A STRANGE AFFLICTION has overtaken a western physician. He imagines that his dead patients are following him, and in his disor- dered fancy he conceives that he has had something to do in bringing about their death It would be horrible if physicians generally were afflicted in this manner, Every doctor of large practice must of necessity have quite a considerable cemetery clientéle, so to speak. If these people should con- tract the habit of following this doctor, we can see how it would be not only embarrassing for the doctor, but extremely annoying to his patients and to the community at large. In fact, the doctor and his feelings may be left out of the question altogether. The effect on persons whose faith in the doctor is, according to modern theory, the chief asset of the patient in his efforts at recovery is the first consideration. We will suppose, then, that a man falls sick; and when a man falls sick—or woman, either—we all know with what childlike faith he turns at once to the doctor. The doctor is sent for. Now, suppose the patient, looking down the road with al the wistfulness of fevered hope, sees the doctor coming, followed by all the people he has put into the cemetery, they or their representative shades! We cannot imag- ine that any medicine the doctor might prescribe could avail agains: suggestive therapeutics of such a vision. For the sake of the patient i to be hoped this method of getting even with the doctors will not come into any considerable vogue. PROHIBITION AS AN AID TO LITERATURE. 46GEND on evening train twenty-two unabridged dictionaries, nineteen small dictionaries, and seventeen hair-mattresses.”” This is the order said to have been received by a wholesale liquor-house and sent toa prohibition town in the interior of Ohio. This is not the first instance on record of the substantial aid rendered to literature by the prohibitory law. In certain Maine towns it is notorious that since liquor has been put under the ban men carry Longfellow, Thackeray and Goldsmith around in their hip-pockets. It is said to be a frequent and inspiring spectacle to see one citizen stop another and, after certain motions in pantomime, take from him his Thackeray or Longfellow and put it reverently to his lips. Stran- gers in those towns are nonplused when they hear one citizen inquire of another, “Give me a swig of your Goldsmith,” or, “ Have you got any of that Ruskin in your clothes?” Thus we see how things totally unlike are brought together by mysterious relations not previously understood. Take the Ohio case. What conceivable relation is there between a rigid excise law and unabridged dictionaries? But granting that there is, why should the same relation exist between pro‘ibition, small dictionaries, and hair- mattresses? In other words, why should a taste for liquor, balked of its object, turn to dictionaries and mattresses—especially hair-mattresses? These reflections are all rendered null and void by reading a little further on in the news report containing the above and discovering that unabridged dictionaries simply stood for whiskey in quarts, small dictionaries for whis- key in pints, and hair-mattresses for bottles of wine in their straw. Truly the ingenuity of wickedness is not its least interesting quality. WHAT a lot of patriotic political dickering is going on round the country nowadays! ND now Mr. J. D. Rockefeller is accused of stealing the funny stories he tells. How Standard Oil does ruin men! eee IF HERR VON TSCHIRSCHKY becomes ambassador for Germany at Washington, he is going to have trouble getting himself introduced as an after-dinner speaker. HAVING conducted a celebrated merger with Boss Murphy last vear, the Hon. Willie R. Hearst, having now merged with the Republicans, is entitled to be called an all-around politician. comicbooks.com