Judge — June 22, 1907 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIS FAILING. THE only trouble with a s-crank "is, he seldom has money enough to make it worth while to agree with him. ‘THE LITERARY DAY. A® ESSAY on «The Higher Thought,” A poem, “Light Divine"; Some strong philippics deftly wrought On “Men who try to shine.” ON THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET. A few critiques upon the bards Who fancy they are ‘It,” And then some questionable yards Of paragraphic wit. And though some of these things were bold, And others quite intense, Out of the lot I only sold One joke—price, fifty cents. RUGENE GEARY. KNEW NOT WHEREOF HE SPOKE, 46] ITTLE boy,” said the good man, bending down and deftly extracting the cigarette from the child's mouth, ++ do you know that this thing was fashioned by the devil ?” “G'wan, yer big stiff! Iseena Turk makin’ it in a winder round dat corner.” GRATITUDE. “You seem to cherish a feeling of the deepest friendship for Mr. Brieflets.”* “Yes. He was my attorney in both my divorce-suits.”” HE TOOK A CORRESPONDENCE COURSE. JOHN PRESCOTT MIDDLETON, ESQ., the corpulent president of the Amalga- mated Inter-state Ice Company, treasurer of the Brown Security and Finance Company, whirled around in his office-chair and frowned at the slowly-opening door of his private office. ‘The door vpens wider. Enter a long, cadaverous individual with dreamy eyes. He gazes at the president with’a far-away look, and hands him a note. The president reads it half aloud.“ F “My Dear Sir—Directly underneath you are forty pounds of dynamite. I own the office below, and have skillfully arranged the apparatus which will blow you into eternity if I raise my hand to give the signal. Yes, I am crazy, perhaps; but do not get excited and puff up, for | might give the signal on the slightest provocation, Remain calm until you finish this letter. Prepare yourself for a few minutes of cool, subdued thinking—perhaps the last thoughts you will ever think. Man, I need $5,000, and need it quickly. Perhaps I have said enough. “‘Sulphurously yours, TH BEAKER.” The president grows purple. The cadaverous individual raises his hand and says, ‘Listen! Having succéeded in securing your utmost attention (a matter very difficult with a man of your position), J beg of you not to call the police or raise an alarm, [have no dynamite! I simply have here a wonderful corn-cure—Bumkum’s One-hour Corn-cure. Why, man alive! it's worth "— Bang! Crash! Brrrrrrr, krerrrb, brrr!—— Thump! “And to think,"said the cadaverous individual as he picked himself up at the bottom of the stairs, ** that I have just finished a corre- spondence course in advertisement-writing, and that was the scheme on page fourteen. ‘First get your customer's attention, then pound him with the goods," was the idea.” CHARLES M. FITCH. pee = ———____ = TT = BB ADoams — HIPPO HESITATES. Brotner Rassir—'*Come on in, cutie! I'll teach you to float, dearie.”” THE BEST OF THE SIX. Dotty (the young author)—"* Uncle, what are the six best sellers out your way?” Uncte Newrick (of Kansas)—' Can't say ez there are six; but when ther's a wind we folks are purty glad if we've got a cyclone-cellar.”” ‘REGAL MAGNIFICENCE. Se THE Muckroyds have a new flat, 1 believe.” ++ Yes; it is something magnificent, too. The bath-room is so spacious that it is possible to have two Turkish towels in it at once.” WHAT HE WANTED TO KNOW, 46 VES," said the prominent citizen with ill-concealed pride ; ++ twenty trains run into this town daily.” *And how many run out?” the stranger anxiously inquired. AN AWFUL SCARE. THE good folks down at Oyster Bay, They had an awful scare. washed away, And there was comicbooks.com