Judge — April 27, 1907 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE BARD OF THE ELEVATOR SHAFT. ‘OMMY MCGEE wears a bright blue uniform and nickel buttons, and pilots a big elevator car in one of the down-town skyscrapers. It may be that the manipulation of steel cables inspires the muse, for Tommy is a versifier for recreation and oth- erwise. The other morning the car was crowded with brokers and messen- gers when a pretty stenographer stepped aboard at the tenth floor. Each of the male passengers must have been in deep reverie, for not one remembered elevator etiquette and removed his hat. But Tommy remembered. In a shrill voice he chanted : “Take off your hats, now, gentlemen ; It's proper, you'll agree. And if you don’t take off your hats Bald-headed you must be."" SN The hats came off like leaves in an autumnal gale. Of course the pretty stenographer gave Tommy a winning smile of appreciation. Several floors down an old lady with a greenish umbrella and an ancient shopping-bag came aboard. She had been down to one of the real-estate offices in the big building, and she was a little dubious about elevators. “Are you sure it is safe, sonny?" she asked nervously. And Tommy bowed a la Chesterfield and recited : “+ This car is safe as any, ma‘am ; It clings right to the shaft. It has the proud distinction, ma’am, Of raising Mr. Taft.” “There is no danger of it breaking with my weight, then,” laughed the old lady as she handed Tommy a red apple from her shopping-bag. Then the stingy man stepped aboard. He had been riding on Tommy's car for two years and had never even tipped him with a nickel. Tommy glanced in the mir- ror at the back of the car and slowly re- cited : ** To the lad who runs the elevator Remember, sir, to som es cater. His pleasures are few—in fact, not an: But still his ups and downs are man; The stingy man muttered something about fresh kids and, giving Tommy a greasy dime, left the car. ++ When they don’t listen to prose,” confided Tommy to an office-boy, “you have to be a Shakespeare and spring poetry on them,” « On the return trip a young office-clerk in a starry vest was so busily engaged in reading the racing news that he passed his floor. Of course he blamed it all on the ele- vator-boy. “Tl report you!" he snapped. **What do you mean by taking passengers out of their way ?” But Tommy only smiled and replied : «« Now, if you'd let the ‘dope’ alone ‘And watch the passing floors, You'd know when you reached 22. Now, 23 for yours.” The sporty office-clerk was furious, but he could not spare the time for an argument, so he shook his fist and leaped off on the twenty- third floor, «+ He could have chewed me up, buttons and all,” laughed Tommy as he gave the wheel a twist. Just then there was a sign of hilarious- ness on the next floor, and a red face was seen pressing against the steel bars. «I shay, lad!" called the reveler, +1 wansh get down in t-thash street. Too highsh up here for me. Lem. me on car.” But wise Tommy smiled blandly and shook his head; then he recited : “ We do not carry drinking men, And drink you should not touch ; For if you monkeyed with the ropes We'd take a drop too much.” “Oh, it takes poetry to settle them,” remarked Tommy as the man with the red face started on his long walk downward. If I had sprung prose on him he would have wanted to fight.” “You appear to be a miniature Longfellow,” laughed the old broker. ++ What are you going to do when you grow up—going to work in an office ?” Tommy’s lip curled disdainfully. “Me work in a stuffy office?” he replied. Well, I guess not. It’s me to Indiana, where everybody is either a poet or a poet's son. Then I'l get out ‘Sonnets of the Elevator Shaft” and be rated among the ‘six best sellers.’ Oh, when the muse gets a grip on you, mister, it is worse than the measles.” VICTOR A. HERMANN. GIBES OF A GROUCHY GENT. ‘CHEMERS become statesmen when voters go blind. The smart man always puts the shoulders of other men to the wheel. A man with good habits nev- er has to be stingy in order to save money. Wireless telegraphy, yes ; but never American politics with no wires to be pulled. No husband can live up to his love-letters ; no wife can live up to her couk-book. Frankness does not necessa- rily mean honesty; it may be a combination of insult and arro- gance. When your enemy «buries the hatchet” he generally comes back to you with an ‘axe to grind.” It’s all right to make hay while the sun shines, but how about the hay-fever (breakdown) of middle age? If a financier lets you in on * the ground floor,” it’s only to dump you out of the twentieth-story window later. PETER PRY suevLx. QUALIFYING FOR THE ANANIAS CLUB. HE following anecdote has not been sent out by Senator Cussem’s energetic publicity man: ‘The other evening Senator Cuss- em took a cab for a short ride, and when he got out the cabby tried to overcharge him. The senator offered him the legal fare, when the cabman burst forth with a torrent of vituper- ation which eclipsed anything ever before heard in Washington. One moment,” said the sena- tor. ‘My man, I wish to engage you for five hours.” “To drive?” sourly asked the cabby. “No; to teach me your vocabulary. I am about to re- port an inter- view at the White House, and I want to be prepared to meet the de- nials.” ———— A BET ON A FAT MAN. “+ Say, boss, to decide a bet, will yer please stan’ up an’ see if yer kin turn aroun’ t'ree times widout takin’ a rest?” A NIP in time means nine. comicbooks.com