Judge — February 23, 1907 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

5 Fourru Ave., New Yor. PUBLISHED W: Canute Appness, Wastexs Apvernisixe Ornice— 1373 1 One copy, ‘One copy (One copy, for thir FORFIGN SU! am's building, Chancery The contents of FUDGE are protected by conyriy CONTRIBUTORS mest iressed erivelove jc id in every instarce be written uo widaal insure safe and promot return of material not accented. HW SUDGE cannot be foun. THE GAS-METER AND HAPPY MARRIAGES. NEW YORK CITY fails of domestic felicity by just one-half inch of gas-pressure, Home cannot be happy on two and a half inches of gas, which appears to be the legal limit in Gotham. We know nothing about the hydrostatics or the hydraulics, or whatever the term may be, of gas. We know only the enigmatics and the economics of the subject. For us gas is a total mystery front the meter back, It’s only after the meter has accomplished its legerdemain on the effluent illuminant that gas enters the purlieus of the knowable for this scribe. We do not hesitate to in- dorse the gas-meter as the most remark- able achievement of human inventior This little machine grabs a bunch of im- ponderable gas, compresses it, and punches a price-mark on it; and if there is no gas in it, it will swat a price-tag onto a bunch of compressed nothing and ring the cash- register just the same. We are not sur- prised, therefore, to learn that the gas- meter also controls the conjugal relation. Here is the rationale of its swa’ Everybody cooks with gas, and anything short of three inches of pressure means soggy biscuits, damp pie-crust, roasts that perspire and turn pale, and marriage-knots that come loose and fall apart. This must be so be- cause the gas-company says so, and this conclusion is not impaired by the fact that, for reasons we do not understand, the gas-company would rather supply gas at three-inch pressure than at two and a half. Thus the company wants to line up the gas-meter on the side of connubial bliss and brown pancakes and happy homes and well-done doughnuts—and the com- munity won't let it. ON MAKING OUR JAILS TRULY DELIGHTFUL. COMMISSIONER BINGHAM has indorsed the plans for a Tenderloin police-station in New York City which shall be a place of genuine uplift and wsthetic delight for all who become compulsory guests of the citv. The building will be exteriorly handsome, to begin with. There will be an imposing entrance, so that the hurry-up wagon’s occupants’ first im> pressions may be pleasant and restful. There will be reading-rooms, re- clining parlors, gymnasia, and baths. The ugly, plodding and vulgar patrol carriage of the present will give place to spick-and-span electric cabs, so that persons en route for the cooling-vats may enjoy the luxury of the envious gaze of the street, where now they shrink from its maudlin glare. When our jails are made delightful the prevalent reluctance to going to jail will give way to an eager pleasure at the pros- pect, and many of our well-known people will cease to fly to Canada at the mere mention of a subpeena or a sheriff's war- rant. The only way to break down t vicious prejudice against doing time in nar- row quarters is to enlarge and beautify the quarters. Then we would as soon go to jail as anywhere else. Indeed, when our jails take on the adornments and privileges and refinements and spacious splendors that are in keeping with the increasingly high character and social standing of those who go to jail, we shall witness an entire change of attitude toward jail-life. **No place like home” will have an alternative rendering. It may even come to pass that this improved social status of duress vile will work a great reformation, so that crime itself will enjoy a more honorable footing than it has had heretofore. UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE, PION. in both the United States and Great Britain. id harve the sender's fall name art a: ture, and NOT upon a se>. news-stand, the publishers will be under obligations if TE TO SUPSC inttins in the postal union, $5.50. y Opera, Paris : Saw th all manuscrivis, other on each and every seoarate sketch, The accompanying joke or Inciosure of Stamos t0 the full amount of postaye ($ also required. 4 at fact be promptly reported om postal-card or by letter. HAT Jap-American war is coming along nicely. When the Thaw trial is all over and forgotten we will have another dose of it. W# AT a pneumogastric nerve a man has to claim to be a nerve expert when he doesn’t know what the pneumogastric nerve is! F J. D. doesn’t look out, the next thing”he knows Mr. Carnegie will up and give $50,000,000 to something or other and put the kibosh on com- petition forever. HE recent blizzard was a fortunate thing, for the country in more ways than one. Among other things, it refrigerated Oldest Inhabitant’s hot air about our climate changing. MBE: CARNEGIE'S lake at Princeton is doing well, but the impression grows in educational circles that it would be better if it were lifted up alittle. It is now proposed to raise it on a trestle. IS THE GRAND PASSION DECLINING? 66] OVE is not so irresistible a factor as it was,” says the London Graphic, “and there is a tendency for the members of either sex to retire to opposite camps and snarl at each other. Circumstances are remov- ing the centre of happiness from the heart to the pocket.” This agreestwith acertain cynical philosophy which is grow- ing amongst us. But facts appear to point to the opposite conclusion. For instance, a New York young man went to the house where his former sweetheart was wedding another, sat upon the doorstep, and re- flected that he loved her deeply, then shot himself, Another young man—we do not recall the precise region of his exploit— met with a prompt refusal from a young lady, hurried to his father’s house, selected a large-calibre horse-pistol, and put the young lady out of business permanently. Another fond young man, finding that he could not win a girl by wooing her, took a healthy-sized butcher's cleaver and at- tempted to dictate to her heart. From newspaper reports we get the im- pression that this sort of thing is rather on the increase nowadays. Of course the remedy for such ardent affection on the part of young men would be to place them i large, cool watering-trough and hold them under the water for from thirty minutes to an hour. But this has nothing to do with the question whether love has ceased to be an irresistible factor in life. We take it that when love goes armed with a horse-pistol it is far from beinz a negligible quantity. — fo Nee, HEN it comes to building a canal, Mr. John F. Stevens thinks he !s entirely sufficient unto the job. PEAKING of good mixers, the kaiser, at a pinch, can get right down off the throne and mix with the boys a la Tamma that rich Americans are amiably inclined toward HE London Globe feel “the great ruck of the Americar, populace hates John Bull, but says us.’” Ruck is good. I" IS now computed that if the child-power which goes to waste annually in New York City could be mechanically applied, Ni: Is would have to shut up shop. comicbooks.com