Judge — February 16, 1907 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

VALENTINES WE NEVER SEND. To THE BUTCHER. TO OUR DAUGHTER'S BEAU. Perhaps you think I like you all— That I'm a grocery-store. But feed yourselves! Don't hang ‘round here no more. You addle-pated little runt, To send us leather may be funny, Some other home you'll have to hunt. But you can whistle for your money. GET AN AIR-CASTLE! RTER all,” said Uncle Josh this morning, ++air-castles is dum good property t' hv, Y" don’t need no servants in ‘em, an’ y* don’t hev t" ay no taxes on ‘em, an’ they're so all-fired cheap ennybody kin hev one, b’ jinks !" A TERRIBLE OVERSIGHT. HE clock was just striking the hour of eleven when Jones suddenly leaped out of bed and began hurriedly to dress. + What's the matter, Charles ?” sleepily asked his wife as she sat up and rubbed her eyes. ++ The matter !" he groaned. ter is, woman, that we are lost ! Is—is the house on fire * Would that it were no worse !" ++ Have we been robbed by burglars 2” ** The mat- ; it is ten times as bad! Do you realize, Mrs, Jones, what day to-morrow is?” “Of course. It is Thursday.” “Yes, it is Thursday ; but what else ?”” “Why, nothing else that I know of, ex- nd” her angrily, «don’t you know that to-morrow is Saint Valentine’s Day ?”* ++ But what of that?” she asked. «What of that—what of that? Why, just this. Why did Nora leave us exactly one year ago to-day? Why did she refuse to get breakfast that morning and go into hysterics and raise such a row? Wasn't it because we forgot to send her a valentine? And how about that new hired girl asleep down stairs—that treasure that all the neighbors are doing their best to get away from us? How long do you suppose she will remain in this house when she meets the postman to-morrow morning and finds we have not re- membered her on Saint Valentine's Day ?” And as he saw visions of himself lighting the early-morning fire and wiping the dishes and waiting in intelligence-offices, he leaped down the stairs and rushed out into the night to sce if it were not possible to rectify the terrible oversight. XERXES’S AUTHORITY. RXES was attacking the Spartans. Calling his chiefs about him just before making the desperate attack, he said, “Gentlemen, a word with you before beginning this little muss. I have just had word from Hepburn and the Interstate Commerce Commission, authorizing me to go ahead and make any charges I please where | am sure a pass is being held by any person or persons. Those smarties from Sparta are holding that one at Thermopyle. Our duty is plain—go to “em.” Whereupon the Persians proceeded cheerily to Custerize the pass- holders. ‘THE EVILS OF DIVORCE. WILFRED and Elsie were quarreling over a costly doll. Wilfred had a good grip on the doll’s leg, and Elsie held on to the china head with ds. They pulled and quarreled simultaneously. me mamma's voice from somewhere in the kitchen, ** what's all that noise about?” After a short pause Elsie replied, + Nothin’, ma; we're only playin’ divorce, an’ Wilfred 's fightin’ for the custody of our doll.”” To THE cooK. Had we another for your place We'd fire you haat-i-lee We really hate you since you put ‘That pepper in our tea. TO OUR WIFE'S FAMILY. ‘Clear out! THE BUBBLE-PIPE, MAN come to our house one time en had A bubble-pipe, en mamma she w 1 Because he blowed it in the-poller. "Cause, you know, We go out in the kitchen when we blow. He took his bubble- lit it back behinc En didn’t have no just lighted Some sawdust in the bubble-pipe, en hited The end of it, en blewed out of his head, Only the bubbles was just smoke instead. En then he blowed ‘em twif no hands, en then He put the pipe out of his mouth again En went + Whuh! whuh !" like choo-choo cars, en made Smoke-rings that flied up in the air en stayed. En then he let se blow the pipe, en T Blewed all the sawdust out, You mustn't do that, or the smoke wo Suck it like baby brother sucks his thumb En so I did, but the old pipe was broke, En blewed a nasty taste en not a si HAT a lot to win if we fight! What a lot to lose if we sur- render! IN AN ENGAGEMENT-RING. “The diamond is the hardest known substance, | believe.” “Yes—to get.” comicbooks.com