Judge, 1907-01-26 · page 7 of 16
Judge — January 26, 1907 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several short satirical pieces mocking pretensions to knowledge and logic: **"Information for Careful Students"** ridicules scientific experts who cite precise but useless facts (earthworms per acre) while missing practical truths. The joke: scientists can't answer real-world questions—like how long someone survives without footing if earth vanishes, or how to scratch a match without materials. **"Trial Marriage"** jokes about women's low expectations: a man proposes admitting he's "not good enough," and she accepts because he's "good enough to begin on"—satirizing both male inadequacy and female desperation in courtship. **"Regret"** features a schoolboy explaining he avoids school because the teacher warned he'd regret returning—a child's logical absurdity played for humor. **"Some Desimplified Spelling"** mocks simplified spelling reforms by intentionally mangling words ("infolonel," "gould," "traid"), suggesting reformers create more confusion than clarity. These reflect Judge's satirical style: poking fun at expert pretension, gender relations, and contemporary fads (simplified spelling was a real Progressive-era movement).
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
INFORMATION FOR CAREFUL STUDENTS. \ ___. HE value of scientific information cannot be overstated. For in- stance, every acre of ground has, in its upper six feet, at least one hundred thousand earthworms, estimates a scientist. These con- tinually work the earth over and prepare it for vegetation. This shows how little scientists really If Science would only fishing lot with a know. pretend to be going tackle a ten-acre spade she wouldn't find a gol-darn bait. Another scientist says that a ton of coal left on the ground in the open air loses forty-seven per cent. of its heating power, while if placed ina shed or cellar, under cover, it loses only twenty percent. Science is wrong again. We had a ton of coal t ter, and of course placed it under lock and key. Possibly somebody else had a key just like ours. Anyway, that ton of coal lost more than twenty-five per cent, of its heating efficiency. “For want of air,” says an exchange, ‘1a man will die in five minutes; for want of sleep in ten days; for want of water in a week ; and for want of food at varying periods, depending on cir- nd cumstances.” These facts are interesting, of course ; but why doesn’t science really put us next to some of the hard ones? For instance, how long would it take a man to die for want of something to stand on if the earth suddenly dropped away from him? How long would it take him to die for want of a proper cuss-word when his fountain- pen suddenly springs a leak in his best-clothes pocket? How long would it take a man to die for want of a smoke, provided he had matches, tobacco, cigars and pipes, but nowhere to scratch a match ? There are a number of other questions we would like to ask, but can’t think of them now. TRIAL MARRIAGE. ‘1 realize that lam not good enough for you, but will you take me for a husband ?"" Yes, George. You are good enough to begin on, anyway.” The shortest people in Europe are the Laplanders. The shortest people in the United States are the married men. A scientific yahoo in Joplin Mizzo has invented an attachment for phonographs, by which he can reproduce a cornstalk, Will wonders never cease? A Chicago experimenter has discovered a substitute for the motor- It has been said the packers use everything about a hog Well, it’s different now. This experimenter supplies car honk. but his squeal. it canned to autoists. The first. paper was made by wasps. wasps for the paper that is used in the country to-day it may safely he said that 123 321,543.111.234.567.984 135.876.123.523 123 415, 614,124,652,176.987.234.746.125 million wasps would be necessary to supply Mr. Hearst alone. Ace Romina. But if we depended on over CRUSHED. ALE. and dejected, he took his seat by her. sympathy, she asked him what was the matter. «I'm crushed,” he said, shaking his head sadly, painfully ; + com- With her womanly pletely crushed s+Is it because of what I said last time ?” she inquired rather anx- + You know, your proposal was so sudden, and “—— elt was that awful jam in the iously. “No, it isn’t that,” he said. Subway.” REGRET. + My boy. if you don’t go to school you'll surely regret it.” “That's the reason L_ain’t there, mister. The teacher said when | came back I'd regret it.”* SOME DESIMPLIFIED SPELLING. HE colonel was simply infolonel, He said it would be gould to traid on the rights of the whights. ‘No man,” said the raid-hot colonel in his diolonel diatribes, «whose blood is not mood ‘carf’chose to weigh what Tsay and pro- nounce one.word as absord as any he ever hord, One may oneder be- cause one color is dolor than another that it isa si n. Oh, ye who knoh the truth give tongue and long Why do yo sy when sighs are not wighs ? Let no pain or ‘Though you may be lough, rise higher and Who is whe that says the 1 of something less to its pro claiming. ache mache you quache. inspigher the sacred songs of justice to all. choir isa loir? His own ‘jes slow his sies; he cannot disg luise ; his eyes despeyes thosé leyes and tell on him ; one may buy a luy, but not the uy. And much more of the same sort, from which it may be inferred that having herred the colonel's werred, the whites still had some rites which were bound to be respected. And the blacks? Well, take an acks to them. Also the infernal cernal. w. J. Lanta. rise his GRAFT IN TEARS. “Do you think you could stop crying if | gave you a penny, little boy 2” “No, mum: I couldn't stop fer less’n fifty cents— boo-o-0-0!" comicbooks.com