Judge — January 12, 1907 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A FEW ANSWERS TO PERPLEXED CORRESPONDENTS. With apologies to Miss Reatrice Fairfax UDG ask questions, upon the mighty intellect that presides over this page. ing more time or space in preliminaries we will fall to. egrets his inability to reply promptly to correspondents who Here is a batch of queries that has drawn heavily Without wast- Please say Dear Jupce—What would you do if you were not beautiful ? Grew. something that will comfort a Pra My Dear Plain Girl—We are stumped. We don't know what we'd do. If we were not beautiful we guess we'd pine away and gently gurgitate thitherward. But why has our beauty so weighed upon you and made you sadful, Plain Girl? Why should you be in these dumps because we are beautiful? Don't doit. Cheer up. We know there is something oppressive and horrifying about the Venus and Adonis style of our beauty, but you should resist it. Live in the open air, breathe deep and drink plenty of milk and you'll get over it. Dear Junce —To decide a bet will you tell me whether the ancient Egyptians were ever bald? PRAXITALES. All the ancient Egyptians we have seen, Prax, were exceedingly, not to say offensively, bald. ‘They may not have been that way when they lived in Egypt, but they are always that way in the museums where most of the ancient Egyptians now are. Furthermore, a French Egyptologist has found a recipe for the cure of baldness on a papyrus showing that King Cheta, now very badly deceased, tried 6,000 years ago to do what the herpecidists are doing now. Here is the recipe : Apply to the hairless spaces a salve of dates, the paws of dogs and the hoofs of asses, mixed and boiled in oil. This shows how the ancient Egyptians felt about baldness, since they were willing to do anything to cure it, Friend Jupce—I am to read an essay on trees before our Happy Thought Club. Can't you dash off a few seed thoughts to set my own thinker to work? AMeLia. Here's a seed or two. Tell story of farmer who chewed a wisp of willow-bough. Piece lodged in throat. Took root. Thought he had consumption. Used to weep a good deal. Didn't know it was the weeping willow getting rooted in his system. Kept growing until branches hung out of his mouth. He thought it was case of ingrown whiskers, Neighbors thought he was an ever- green hedge broke loose. One day he coughed it up. Neighbor came to collect for cord of wood and he coughed up a tree—weeping- willow tree, Sad case. Begin with this to get the Happy Thoughters to feeling good. Then go on with your tree talk. Show how risky it it to chew wood. Nobody feels com- fortable with a tree growing down his throat. Worse place in world for a tree. Plant trees on your back. Shed rain, Cool in summer. Let a good cow tree grow on shoulder, Cow tree gives milk. Save money. Bully scheme. But don't let a tree grow inside you. That's the reason there are so many wooden-headed people and dry sticks, etc. Get, the idea, Amelia? Certainly, Amelia. Please give me what you consider most remarkable case of surgery that you ever heard of, and oblige Gornasure. Most remarkable case we have run across is that of man without a nose a nose just as good as anybody's nose. In the rush, however, the sur- geon forgot to extract the finger-nail and now the man has to have his nose manicured every day. Just a little unforeseen expense, but it would be well if people about to graft fingers on their faces hereafter, would bear this in mind, Also, it may be worth mentioning that this operation can be performed in the reverse direction. If you have lost a finger, have your nose grafted on in its place. Saves lots of blowing. Sir—I have just read an article which takes the ground that noses are deteriorating. Do you think this is so? Anxious Moruer. Well, yes, generally speaking, they are. Wedo not see any noses that are holding their own, There's something in the rush of modern life that seems to be specially wearing on the nose. We think it is disintegrating. When we were young, noses were more aristocratic— they were high. We are not wearing our noses as high as we did. The beautifully modeled nose, rising in a delicately waving ridge, the ornamental, plaster-of-paris nose, the alabaster nose, the grand nose, the richly-colored, écru-tinted nose, the proud George Washing- ton nose—these are never seen any more, while noses of a plebeian cast, noses that appear to be heavily mortgaged, are everywhere. Dear JupGr—I am a bank clerk, and until a year ago I was earning $20 aweck. ‘Then I was ruthlessly cut down to $15, and immediately stole $1,900. Now, Junce, what would you advise me to do? Hao. You seem to be doing pretty well, Harold, without our advice. Go on as you have begun, be thrifty and saving, and you may one ot these days—the fact is, Harold, in these unsettled times we are not sure where you'll land, It may be in the penitentiary, and it may be—no, we don’t know. Dear Jupce—I read in the paper that Miss Morosini says she can’t see why $2,000 a year is too much for shoes, as that allows for but forty pairs. What do you think of this? Gertrupe. It's all in the way you look at it, Gertie. A $2,000 shoe bill would Not that we couldn't get away with it, but it would look just a shade swollen. Forty pairs of shoes a year would be a bad precedent in our family. We would like to come out each week in new leather, but we would hate to see our large and healthy family running to shoes like that. Then, $50 for a pair of shoes would set up an example that it would take years to overcome. And, come to think, we would not care to break in forty pairs of shoes in a year. We could do it, but we know we would grieve over it and our regular work would suffer. Frankly, Gertie, if our beloved eight should start up at a forty-shoes-a-year clip at $50 per, we would go and live near a shoe factory and rob it every night, or else we would bring all our influence to bear to com- pel Mr. Thomas Ryan to make us presi dent of an insurance company, and fail- ing this, there'd be trouble. look a trifle large to us. Sir—Prophet Spangler says this is to be the last year of the world. Do you believe it? INFORMATION. Well, we've just paid two years subscription in advance in order to take advantage of the discount on a favorite paper. THE TIME-LIMIT OF LOVE. Cxotty(11 p. m.)—" Will you love me when I'm gone?” Ernet—" Yes, if you go before twelve.”* whose little finger was grafted on in its E meet a good many people who place. It worked, and now the man has Ww ¥ yee never meet us, comicbooks.com